1-5

Bella POV.
Boredom would be so lovely. Depression would be refreshing. Maybe, just maybe I would at least feel alive.
I feel nothing.
I used to love. So many things, I used to really love, and see the beauty of. But I don't anymore. Everything just is.
Forks is a small town – one of the things I used to love. Now it's as dull as everything else. Non-existing for me.
Hollow.
I grew up here, and I went through every cliché in the book. I got married to my high school boyfriend – Jacob. We went to college together in New York, but then we moved back to Forks. Then boredom hit. Not because the change from a big city to a small town, though. No, this was more. This started in me. I wasn't satisfied, I think, and I began to shut off. Things just weren't okay anymore.
All of the sudden I could start crying of the littlest things. Sometimes I had to pull over to the curb and cry it out. And when I say the littlest things, I mean really little. A broken twig on the ground. An empty juice carton in the fridge. When my fabric softener was sold out at the grocery store. When it rained. When the sun was out. When children laughed. When children cried.
You get the point.
I cried all the time. I was twenty-two years old and so bored out of my mind that I couldn't function. And the even sadder part was when I discovered that Jacob had an affair. I didn't cry. I didn't even care. Not at all. I just let it go on.
And I still do. I know when Jake says he's going to the gym in Port Angeles that… well, he's not going there at all. He's going to Leah. He's having all that hot sex that I never had. He's giving her the satisfaction he never gave me in the bedroom. I think she's satisfied, at least. I hope she is.
Someone should be…
Satisfying me has always been impossible because I want more than what Jake can give me. I want animalistic and raw. Needy and instinctual. I want forbidden and taboo.
I want connection. The feeling of belonging.
But I can't even get Jake to fuck me in the ass…
He wanted sweet lovemaking.
I wanted to shoot him.
But I didn't. I stayed married. I went through the motions. I cried. I wrote. I wrote a lot. That was my outlet. That is my dream – to live what I write.
I write porn. And I'm damn good at it. My books are popular. My books have saved marriages, I've heard. Too bad they can't save me.
Anyway.
My dad died a year later when I was twenty-tree. We were never really close, so I can't say I mourned forever. But something still happened. I stopped crying. I stopped reacting. I stopped feeling.
I stopped living.
Now I'm a twenty-four year old zombie.
But yesterday something happened.
I saw Leah at the grocery store, and she didn't look happy. She looked downright depressed. That's when I noticed her stomach.
She's pregnant.
I didn't feel a thing. I haven't in a year. Not a single emotion in one year. But I still know what's right and wrong. I also know that you can't help who you fall for. And Leah's obviously really fallen for my deadbeat husband.
I don't know why Jake hasn't divorced me. I wouldn't care. I don't love him. I don't love anything.
When I came home, I called the hospital and made an appointment with their new therapist. Maybe he can help me sort this through. Because what I need is advice.
And maybe shock therapy, I thought sarcastically, like that would help.
So, tomorrow at 1 pm I'm meeting Dr. Edward Cullen – the newest resident in Forks.

*o*o*o*

As I climbed out of my car in the hospital parking lot, I zeroed in on the blond man just outside the entrance of the hospital.
I had seen him at the post office, but I had been too far away to be sure it was him. But now it was clear. It was definitely Jasper Whitlock.
We went to school together here in Forks, but he's two years older than me, so I can't say we ran in the same circles. He did play on the football team with Jake, though, but that was before Jasper got bullied off the team for being gay.
He was treated so badly by everyone, and I hated them all. I actually punched Jake in the face once when he made a crude remark about Jasper. I broke my hand on his fucking face but it was worth it.
It felt amazingly good.
When Jasper graduated, I never thought I'd see him again, because I know his parents never approved of his sexuality, which left him no reason to visit. And over the next two years – before Jake and I graduated – I never saw him once. Not even during the holidays, and then when his parents moved back to Texas a few years back, I knew for sure I'd never see him again.
Glad I was wrong…
I'm not ashamed to admit that I had a huge crush on Jasper, but I kept my distance, and then Jake asked me out instead. Not that anything would've ever happened with me and Jasper, but I still kept my distance because I was shy, timid, and boring back then.
We talked sometimes, though never enough to become friends, but I knew that with the way I was today, I was definitely not too shy to go over and say hello.
He was sitting on a bench, not looking entirely comfortable, and I had to say I was curious to know why he was here. It wasn't surprising for him to look uncomfortable after all – not after the way he'd been treated here.
"Jasper?"
His head snapped up, and recognition flitted over his features as he placed where he knew me from.
All I could think was that he was even more attractive now than before.
"Bella Swan." He smiled carefully.
"Bella Black now." I couldn't help but to grimace slightly, but I smiled more genuinely when his wary smile grew more relaxed. "May I?" I asked, gesturing at the seat next to him.
"Of course, have a seat… It sure has been a while, huh?"
"Yeah, it's been 8 years since you left," I chuckled, "I never thought I'd see you here again."
"You and me both," he huffed. "But… uh… my boyfriend got a job here," he added quietly.
For the first time in over a year, I felt something strong. I felt anger towards those who obviously made him feel apprehensive.
"Just ignore the fuckers, Jasper," I replied. "They're not worth it."
He looked at me like I had grown an extra head and I guessed it was because I was never blunt in High School. Like I said, I was timid and quiet.
"You always were one of the few accepting me, huh?" he smiled warmly.
"There's nothing to not accept," I shrugged. "Just too bad the ingrates here couldn't see it."
"Well, you have officially made Forks a better place to live, Bella," he grinned. "I know Edward will relax now, that's for sure."
"Dr. Edward Cullen?" I asked. "That's your boyfriend?"
"Yep, you know him? We just moved here last week," he chuckled.
"I have an appointment with him in fifteen minutes," I grinned. "Small world, huh?"
"Looks like it," he laughed, "Or maybe it's just Forks."
"Maybe. But where were you before?" I asked curiously. "Give me your rundown," I added with a wink.
He snickered.
"I met Edward in college when we lived in Chicago. He was about to graduate his first four years, and I had just started my Marketing, and then after I had finished my two years in that program, we moved to Seattle where we continued the next phase of our educations. What about you?"
"I went to NYU with Jake, and then we moved back here. Not much of a story."
"So, married, huh? Jacob Black?"
"Mmhmm," I nodded and looked down.
"That's the reason you're seeing Edward?" he asked quietly.
"Yep, pretty much."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be," I laughed humorlessly. "Marriage just isn't for me. Well, he isn't for me, is probably more correct."
"When I met Edward, he was sort of in your situation," he smiled, comforting me. "But for some weird reason I made him happy, and he ended it with her."
That had my attention. "Her?"
"Yea, he wasn't really out yet. Well, he is bisexual, but he's always been more drawn to men, but he married some chick that he barely even liked, right out of high school, just to satisfy his parents. But when we met, he just said 'fuck it'."
"Good for you both," I smiled.
"What I'm saying is that he was just like you are now. We may not have been close before, Bella, but I know depression when I see it. And like I said, Edward was the same. But he's happy now, and I have a feeling you will be, too."
Hot damn.
"Wow, you have high hopes, but don't hold your breath. Thanks, though. And I hope we'll be closer now?"
"Definitely. If there's one thing I've learned since I left Forks, it's that you should stay close to those who accepts you," he shrugged like it was no big deal, but I could see through it.
It is a big deal.
It's fucking horrible that you get pushed out just because you can't help who you love.
And one thing was for sure.
Jasper and I would never have talked this openly if it weren't for the fact that shit had fucked us both up. The only difference was that Jasper had risen to the occasion. I hadn't.
I was still… not quite here.
"I guess it's time for me to see your hunk of meat," I sighed.
"Damn, Bella, you've changed," he laughed. "Weren't you like… scared of your own shadow in High School?"
"Yeah, I'm really not that girl anymore." I shook my head at the memory of what I used to be.
"I'm beginning to realize that," he chuckled. "I'd say you were a cute little shy thing in school, but now you're all sexy and shit."
I snorted.
I know I look good now, but I wasn't cute in school.
"You are full of shit, Jasper."
"Are you kidding me, Bella?" he laughed, "I remember I had the biggest crush on you, but then that Jacob asked you out."
Excuse me?
"W-what?" I stuttered, my eyes most likely wide as saucers. "You had a crush on me? I had a crush on you!"
"Well, aren't we a pair," he grinned.
"Just don't fucking tell me I made you gay," I huffed. "My ego couldn't take it."
"Silly Bella, it's called bi. Although, I've only had a real crush you. But my man up there? That's real love."
"Naw, you're so fucking cute it's sickening," I laughed. "You're such a girl."
"Shut it, Bella. Go up there and let Edward work his magic now."
I cocked an eyebrow, waiting for him to realize how that sounded.
"Get your mind out of the gutter!" he laughed when he finally figured it out.
Jasper and I exchanged a few more pleasantries, and also phone numbers, and then I made my way up to Dr. Cullen's office.
I still didn't feel much, but after running into Jasper, I had to say I felt slight… contentment. It had beennice to see him, and it was a refreshing feeling. Yes, it felt refreshing. And I know why.
Jasper Whitlock is not only special, but he's also different from everyone else in this town.
Jesus, three feelings in one day; anger, contentment, and refreshment.
That's more I've felt in a year.
Yes, refreshment is a feeling, I promise.
Maybe I should just see Jasper instead of his partner.
Jasper being here… Something is definitely new in Forks. Something good.

*o*o*o*

"Isabella Black? Dr. Cullen is ready to see you," the receptionist said.
I nodded and stood up, and the receptionist buzzed me in.
Or maybe I shouldn't just see Jasper, thought as I came face to face with Edward Cullen.
Okay, not face-to-face in that sense, because he was sitting behind his desk, but you understand.
Hot damn, he was one sexy man. Tall, broad, handsome, hot, beautiful… you name it. I'm not even going to mention his sex-hair in reddish brown. Just damn. Oh, and he had these black rimmed glasses that made me wanna call him Master or something.
He acknowledged me with a warm smile before he got up to greet me.
Oh, someone definitely blessed him in the making. What a body…
Black dress pants, white button shirt. So proper. But then when I thought about Jasper visiting him here… for lunch maybe? Well, I was not thinking proper thoughts anymore.
God, I bet he has a big cock.
"Mrs. Black, I'm Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you," he said, smiling as he offered me his hand.
Deep, husky, honey dripping voice, I thought as I shook his hand.
"You, too, Dr. Cullen. And please call me Bella."
"Have a seat, Bella," he replied, gesturing at the futon on my left, "And call me Edward."
Not Master?
What a pity.
Then it hit me. I was feeling something I hadn't felt since my last research trip to Seattle last year.
Ever since I died emotionally, I had stopped writing. But the last book I wrote was about two men being together. And I had met two nice guys that allowed me to watch, so I could write about it easier. Many times had I written about women being together, but that was easy to imagine being a woman myself. But I knew nothing of men being in the act, and when Garrett and Demitri offered to let me in to watch, I had had been overcome with the same raw feeling I felt now.
Lust.
Just picturing Edward and Jasper together was making me feel again.
"I thought today we could just see where things go, and then we'll deal with whatever as it comes. This is so that I get a sense of who my patients are. So, why don't we start with what brought you here," Edward explained as he took his seat behind the desk.
I sighed heavily, feeling myself die all over again as I thought about everything wrong in my life.
"I don't feel alive anymore," I murmured, looking down at my wedding band.
Plain. Gold. No rock.
I heard him get started with a notepad. "What do you feel?" he asked softly.
"Nothing," the answer came easy.
I leaned back and closed my eyes, trying to feel something. But it just wasn't there. Nothing. Not even sadness for not feeling. It was just nothing.
"Can you remember when this started?"
"I remember beginning to feel bored when I moved back to Forks after college. I had spent the four years at NYU. But I know it wasn't the change of scenery."
Going back to the day we came home, and moving into the little house on the same street as Charlie, I remember feeling the sense of dread. I was twenty-two years old and already settling down. It was horrible, but still, there was more. It was something with myself that I still can't pinpoint.
"I don't think it was Jake either, although I do remember feeling my chest constrict the first time I saw my new last name on a bill," I shook my head, trying to get rid of the memory.
"Did you get married after college then?" he asked.
"No," I chuckled humorlessly, keeping my eyes closed, "Right out of High School. But I kept my last name until we came back home. I just wasn't ready to give it up for Black at the time."
"Are you sure you were ready when you did change it?"
"I… I don't know. But he was so happy."
Scribbling.
"But do you feel like your name defines who you are, Bella?"
I thought about it, but I came up empty. And I think I know why.
"I don't know who I am. And I don't think I ever knew," I sighed, "Or maybe I just never felt like I fit in."
"Well, let's start with what you love. What's your element? Where can you really let your guard down? Is it a place or something you do?"
That was easy… a year ago.
"It used to be when I wrote. I could lose myself in my stories. I lived through them. But I haven't written in a year."
Emotional detachment.
I should feel frustrated. I should miss writing. I should be sad for not caring. But I'm a robot. I feel nothing.
"Why aren't you writing? Did something trigger you to stop?"
Yes.
"My father died. But it was more like the last drop. I just stopped caring after that. His death just pushed me over the edge."
There was some furious scribbling going on, but soon he spoke again, "Were you close, you and your father?"
"No. I was born here, but when I was two years old, my mom took me to live in Phoenix. She died in cancer when I was fifteen, and then I moved back here to live with Charlie. But we never really connected. I only visited during Christmas when Jake and I lived in New York."
More scribbling.
"Did you mourn the loss of your mother properly? Fifteen is a sensitive age."
"We weren't very close either," I chuckled humorlessly, "Renée wasn't really a caretaker. She was more focused on finding someone to take care of her."
"Sounds like you grew up at a very young age. She was still your mother, though. There must have been feelings to be dealt with, Bella."
I shrugged, not feeling a thing, "Charlie couldn't cook to save his fucking life. Someone had to do it."
So much scribbling.
"Did that had to be you?"
"Well, I didn't want to eat every meal at The Lodge. Can't even call that food," I muttered, remembering how Charlie lived before I came here, "And since it was just him and me, and he couldn't do shit, then it had to be me."
"Could you explain how your mother's death was dealt with? Did your father come down to Phoenix?"
"No," I snorted, "Renée's sister took care of it, and then after the funeral, I was shipped to Forks."
Scribbling.
"What feelings did you go through when your mother died? Do you remember?"
I didn't even hesitate, because once again, I had nothing to feel. Not even embarrassment or guilt, "I was sad but also relieved."
"Relieved?"
I considered opening my eyes to see his expression, but I didn't.
I didn't care.
"One person less to take care of," I answered.
Scribble, scribble.
"Did you feel relief when your father died?"
"No. I died. The deputy called me at home and told me to come to the hospital. When I came, the doctor told me Charlie had been killed in the line of duty, and I just… died. I felt nothing."
"He was a police officer?"
"Chief of Police here in Forks."
Scribbling.
"Would you describe your parents as affectionate?"
"No," I scoffed, "Not towards each other, and not towards me. Never."
"That must have been hard, Bella."
"I got over it," I shrugged.
I had a feeling Edward disagreed on that one, because he wrote on his pad for a solid five minutes.
"Is your husband affectionate?"
"Not towards me," I blurted out, "But he is with Leah. At least I think he is."
"Leah?"
"Jake's secret girlfriend. Not that they're subtle about it."
Scribbling. So much scribbling.
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"No. I don't care. When I caught them the first time, I simply envied their passion. But I left before they knew I was there."
There was more scribbling, and then there was a sigh.
"I'm afraid our hour is up, Bella."
"Okay," I replied and opened my eyes.
I stretched as I stood up, and then I glanced over at Edward – he was eyeing me curiously – and as he pushed his glasses up his nose slightly, I noticed a gold band.
"You're married?" I asked softly, feeling myself smile just a little, "You and Jasper?"
I wonder why I didn't notice Jasper's ring…
Once again as I thought about Jasper finding Edward, I felt… feelings. I was happy for them. Happy that they had been able to find love in each other in a world where too many people judge them.
Hopefully I would feel something about my own life one day.
"You… you know Jasper?" he asked – very surprised. Also cautious.
"I knew him a little when we went to high school together," I chuckled, "But he's two years older than me, so we were never really close. But I saw him outside the hospital before I came to see you," I smiled, suddenly feeling warmth over the possibility to have Jasper in my life, "He told me his…" I stopped there, frowning, because I remember him saying 'boyfriend', not husband, "Hmm, he told me his boyfriend worked here, and that it was you."
Edward still seemed very surprised but answered nonetheless. "Well, we're not married, but… we wear rings."
He was apprehensive. It was clear as day.
Apologetic.
God, people are stupid out there…
"That's wonderful," I offered with a smile, "You have a great guy. I have to say it was great seeing him. We exchanged numbers…"
Edward just stared at me like he was trying to figure me out, so I decided to just lay it all out there.
"I know Jasper was treated like shit in High School. I also know how unfair it was, and still is. You shouldn't be apprehensive or cautious, although I understand why you are. People are just fuckwits," I grinned at the end.
Edward let out a breathless chuckle at my little rant, but the more genuine smile that appeared after told me that what I said was right.
"Though we were not close, it's easy to see that Jasper's very happy now," I added, "And I have a feeling it's all your doing. God knows his parents haven't done shit for his happiness."
The grateful smile Edward gave me was enough to live on, "He's the reason I'm happy, too."
"Good," I smiled, "The judging fuckers can screw themselves then," I winked, "What you have is beautiful. Simple as that," I shrugged.
"You're something else, Bella," he smiled, shaking his head, "I think you just made Forks a better place to live."
"That's what Jasper said," I laughed, feeling that warmth again.
"I have no doubt about that."
Edward POV.
Bella and I decided that since she didn't work at the time, she would come in three times a week for a month of two, and then we would see where things went. And after making another appointment for Wednesday, I said goodbye to a very special woman.
I still had a few patients left, but because of what Bella had said after our session, I couldn't wait to go home to Jazz.
What she had said about my relationship with Jasper was nothing but true. It was beautiful. It is. Nothing and no one has ever made me feel the way Jazz does, and Bella reminded me of that today.
Not that I didn't know this before, it's just that with so many judging you, you sometimes need a reminder that what you do isn't wrong, and that who you are isn't wrong either.
I've been drawn to men since I was fourteen, but it wasn't until I met Jazz that I went with it. Before that, I always lived the way my parents wanted me to. I even married that Kate-chick.
Thank fucking Christ for Jasper.
And as soon as I realized I was in love with him, I ended the marriage, and my parents ended things with me. But it was to be expected. There are no regrets, though. Never. Seven years with Jasper and I'm still in love with him so much that I don't give a flying fuck about my so called family.
Are there things we miss?
Of course.
I'm thirty years old and though I love my career, and I love Jazz, there are still things we won't have. A real family to spend holidays with. Children. That extra warmth that we both feel only women can bring in.
But it's still worth it, because we love each other.
And Bella reminded me of this today.
Bella.
There's a lot to her, that much is obvious. Twenty-four years old, married… and lost. I wouldn't say she's broken in my professional opinion, but she's definitely lost. She hasn't found what she's looking for. And by marrying early, she even stopped searching.
The first thing I noticed about her was her obvious beauty, of course. There's no denying that she's a gorgeous woman. Petite figure, toned… perky. Supple. Long dark hair, flawless skin, and to be honest; the most beautiful face I've ever seen.
But she's lost her spark… if she's ever had one. Her big round eyes should be deeper. It's like I just know that her eyes are supposed to be different.
And then there was the session. Emotionless, detached, expressionless. Eyes closed.
But she was honest. So honest. Blunt, almost. She just said what she thought, she spoke her mind, and she didn't cringe or shy away from questions.
Hopeless.
My heart really went out for her as we touched the subject of her upbringing. She was definitely always the caretaker, and I'm curious to hear more about this cheating husband of hers.
Fucking douche.
My phone rang then and I smirked as I saw it was Jazz.
"Miss me already?" I chuckled.
"Laugh it up. Did ya see Bella?"
"Wow, you don't waste time," I grinned, "I heard you go way back."
"Yep, and why am I not surprised you obviously haven't connected the dots yet? If you had, you would've called me as soon as the session ended."
"Huh? What are you talking about?"
He's always messing around, saying that I'm the ultimate man, because I miss the little things.
Bullshit.
"Remember the girl I told you about, Edward? The girl I liked in High School…"
"That was Bella?" I exclaimed, thankful for not drinking coffee, because I would've choked for sure.
"Yep, she was the first and only girl I had a crush on."
"Well, I'll be damned. Can't say I blame ya, though."
"I know, right? She was cute in school, but fuck… she grew up."
"Yeah, she's beautiful, and fucking amazing, Jazz. She saw my ring and instantly told me how beautiful it is what we have. I was kinda just staring at her, wondering if she was insane, you know?"
"Yeah, that's her, alright," he chuckled, "She was always caring."
"I'm not surprised," I murmured, remembering how she's always taken care of others without getting anything in return.
"When will you be home today?" he asked then.
"I get off at five."
"You're right, you will get off. But it will be with me."
Images popped up then from our lunch earlier.
Him on his knees in front of me…
"Keep talking," my voice coming out husky all of the sudden.
"You are fucking insatiable, Edward. You really wanna do this now?"
"Fuck, yes."
I may be thirty but my libido hasn't changed one fucking bit.
"Talk to me, Jazz. Don't keep me waiting."
I knew he loved it when I was demanding, and fuck me if I didn't love it, too. It was my element.
"Fuck, okay… I actually did read something hot yesterday. Wanna hear about it?"
I was rock hard just by that.
Jazz was always reading these books by some Marie Green, and to be honest, they were kinky as hell, and always a safe way to get real pleasure. Let's just say that we have a good source for inspiration.
"God, yes," I groaned, stroking my cock outside the pants.
"Picture a dark underground night club. Music pulsing and loud. People dancing and fucking everywhere. Everyone's there for pleasure, Edward… Including you and me."
Fuck.
Quickly, I unzipped my pants, freeing my erection, and wasted no time in grabbing it, stroking it slowly from base to tip.
"The tension is just so thick that I can't wait to have you… I can't wait to feel you against me… fuck… You grab me close to you, and I can feel you… so fucking hard…"
"Fuck, Jazz… keep going," I grunted, "What will I do to you?"
"It's like you know just what I want… just what I need."
"And what's that? Say it."
"Fuck, you push me down on my knees… And we don't care about the people around us… they don't matter… You unzip your jeans and pull out your cock for me…"
"Jasper," I moaned, feeling myself get closer. "You have it… what're you gonna do with it? What do you wanna do with my cock?"
"I want it in my mouth. I want it hard… rough… Fuck, I'm close, Edward."
"Me, too. Me fucking, too. You like that, Jazz? You like it when I fuck your mouth?"
"Christ, yes… And I'll swallow around you- Oh, fuck!"
"Fuck!" I grunted.
I came hard, so fucking hard, but it was always like this with Jasper, and I heard him come as well, only prolonging my own orgasm.
Goddamn.
"God, I love it when you read those books," I chuckled breathlessly.
"Mmhmm, me, too. And I love you," he hummed.
"Love you, too, Jazz."
"See ya after 5 then?"
"You bet."
Bella POV.
I couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped as I watched Jasper leave Edward's office. It was time for my second session with Edward, and yet again I ran into Jasper before. Only this time, I was early and was already sitting in the reception as he walked out – slightly flushed… and post coital.
The man blushed adorably when he caught my wink, and then he excused himself quickly for a job-thing he had to deal with.
Jasper and I had spoken on the phone last night, and I knew he worked from home as a graphic designer, so I doubted he had a job-thing, but whatever.
"Isabella Black, Dr. Cullen's ready to see you now."
I knew today's session would feel long, especially if Edward asks anything about Jake.
A lot happened yesterday.
Once again I was buzzed in, and I spent exactly two seconds ogling Jasper's very fine man before he looked up with his warm smile.
Jesus, those glasses of his…
I still want to call him Master when he's looking all stern with those.
"Bella," he grinned, "Welcome back. Have a seat."
I sat down on the futon again and raised an eyebrow as I saw how crooked his tie was. Safe to say, there's nothing wrong in the bedroom with them… or in the office.
I snickered.
Edward smiled curiously. "What did I miss?"
"Fixing your tie," I replied, not missing a beat.
He looked down at his tie, then back to me, back to his tie before he did a double take and blushed, now understanding that I know exactly what they had for lunch.
Each other.
"Shit," he hissed under his breath, "I'm… I'm so sorry, Bella-"
"Don't worry, Edward!" I laughed, "I really don't mind," I winked. "But other patients might."
He started pulling at his hair and rambling about how unprofessional he was, and a bunch of other stuff I didn't catch. He was so adorable.
I decided to tease him to relieve the tension, "So, how was lunch? Did you enjoy him- I mean it… I mean, was it mindblowing… the food, that is," I smirked.
His head snapped up, and his jaw dropped before he recovered, narrowing his eyes at me, "You're enjoying yourself right now, aren't you?"
"Immensely," I drawled, batting my lashes at him.
He huffed, trying to look annoyed, but he failed miserably, "Jesus, I've never met a woman like you, Bella."
"I hope that's a good thing?" I chuckled.
"I wish I had met more people like you. The world would be a better place," he said sincerely, "It's very refreshing to meet someone so relaxed and open."
"Wow, good looks and a smooth talker. Jasper never stood a chance, did he?"
"Okay, Bella," he chuckled with a shake of his head, "How about we start, huh? I need to prove myself now that I am in fact a professional."
"Oh, I'm sure you are," I smiled innocently.
Edward glared at me but the corners of his mouth twitched in amusement.
"Behave."
I fought the urge to say 'yes, Master.'
Instead I nodded.
"I was thinking we could talk about your marriage today."
My face fell.
Back to feeling nothing.
I sighed and leaned back, again closing my eyes.
"Shoot."
Scribbling already? Damn, he works fast…
"Do you love him?" Edward asked softly. Always softly.
"No."
"Did you ever?"
"Yes."
"But it ended when your father died?"
"Uhm… No, I think it ended before that," I sighed, "I've never been in love, though. I know that now."
Scribbling.
"When did you realize that?"
"Last night."
"Oh? Did something happen, Bella?"
I heard him put the pen down.
"After I got off the phone with Jasper, I told Jake that Jasper was back in town. They were on the same football team… Jake just shrugged and said 'whatever' before he went back to watching his game on TV," I grimaced, "I went upstairs after that… I watched the video from our wedding… I could hardly recognize myself, but one thing was the same… I said 'I do' with a fake smile.
"I loved him. But I wasn't in love with him. He never made me feel special, and I'm pretty sure I never made him feel that way either. We went through the motions. I cooked, cleaned, and served him, all because that's what a wife does. And he worked, came home, ate, crashed in front of the TV. We don't know each other. I… I just don't know why we never even tried. To be honest I don't know why he proposed."
Scribbling.
"Have you ever really talked?"
"I've tried to talk about a few things, but we always ended up fighting. And when nothing happened, I gave up."
"What did you try to talk about?"
"Mostly sex."
Edward coughed.
I continued, "I've never been satisfied by him, and I wanted us to try new things. He didn't want that. I gave up trying. That's when I started writing. But he didn't support that either, so I sorta hid it. I had my laptop, and then a small office that I visited sometimes. That was what I loved the most, to just go there and write my stories."
So much scribbling.
"Have you ever considered divorce, Bella? It may sound unprofessional for me to bring it up, and I never really suggest it, especially not during the second session… But you've yet to say something good about Jacob."
Always such a soft voice.
Soothing.
"That was one of the reasons I came here. I found out that Leah's pregnant. I wonder if I should just hand him the papers."
Scribbling, scribbling.
"Do you want to stay married to him?"
"I don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. I was more thinking for their sake, because I'm a robot either way."
The pen was put down again.
"Bella…" he sighed, "Could you look at me, please?"
"No."
"How come?"
"Because it's conflicting," I replied truthfully.
"What do you mean?"
"Because when I see you and Jasper, I feel stuff. It's hard to explain, but as soon as I saw Jasper on Monday, and we started talking, I just felt… stuff. It felt natural to talk to him even though we were never really close before. And when I saw you, it was pretty much the same. You're both different from everyone I've ever met. It just felt relaxed. It felt like I could be myself in a way, and it was very refreshing. But then as soon as I even think about my everyday life, I die. I don't feel anything."
Shit, I can ramble.
No scribbling.
Edward cleared his throat.
"What did you do after you watched the video from your wedding?"
Subject changed.
"I prepared Jacob's lunches for the rest of the week."
It sounded like a pen snapped.
I continued, "And then we fought over his job, and then I went to bed."
Scribbling.
"What does Jacob do for a living?"
"He's a book editor in Port Angeles."
"Why would you fight over that?"
"Because Jake found out yesterday that I was a published author. He didn't know that."
"Oh, sorry, I thought it was just a hobby of yours. But why didn't he know? Isn't that something to be proud of?"
"He never approved of what I wrote. He told me to quit, and I said I did… But I didn't. I just hid it.
"The night ended with him leaving for Leah's place. Or as he said 'I'm going to the gym,' and that was that. And then this morning everything was back to normal. I made him breakfast and then he headed back to Port Angeles for work."
So much scribbling.
"Doesn't it feel like he's holding you back, Bella? I mean, if you didn't approve of his work, would he quit?"
"No, but neither did I. I just hid it. It wasn't until Charlie kicked the bucket that I stopped. I couldn't fake a feeling, therefore I could not write anymore."
"Are there things you want? You say you don't care about anything, Bella, but… are there things you long for or wish you wanted?"
Well, now there's a loaded question.
Are there things I want?
Oh, yes.
"Yes, plenty of things."
"Such as?"
"I want to feel alive. I want to feel, period."
"And what makes you feel, Bella?" I could almost hear the smirk in his voice.
"Jasper and you."
"Because we're different?"
"Perhaps. I don't know. You're the expert."
Scribbling.
"You need people to connect with. What you felt when you saw Jasper was most likely the feeling of liking him. And that is just what you need. You need people you like. You need people that make you feel better, and you need to hold on to things that provoke any feeling in you.
"Let me ask you this, what was the first thing you really felt when you saw him again?"
That I remember clearly, "Anger. It was powerful. It was when I remembered how he had been treated in school. I saw what a wonderful man he is, and people bullied him like relentless fuckers. They refused to have him on the team. It made my blood boil.
"That was the first thing I felt in a year. And the next thing I felt was happiness."
"How so?" he asked, his voice strained.
I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear how the love of your life was treated.
I focused on Edward last question, and the answer made me smile, "Because he looked so happy when he spoke of you. I was happy for him because I knew how hard his life had been."
"You really care about him," he stated softly.
"Absolutely."
"That's proof of you feeling, Bella. I believe you feel things all the time, but it might not be powerful enough to acknowledge or recognize. But you definitely feel."
Huh.
I guess Edward knows what he's doing.
"And if you feel more for Jasper or even me – still a stranger – then maybe you need to think about what that means to your marriage."
"So, I should get divorced then?" I asked.
Scribbling.
"That's not for me to answer. But you say you want to feel alive. Then maybe you should focus on the things you care about most, either today, or things you used to love. Like your writing. Like Jasper."
"You always take yourself out," I stated.
He chuckled lightly, "Just trying to keep the distance when I work. But know that the feeling is mutual."
There was that warmth again. What is that?
Is that a feeling?
"Do you think Jacob can ever make you feel happiness, Bella?"
"No."
Oh…
Well, there's the answer.

Bella POV.
"You always take yourself out," I stated.
He chuckled lightly, "Just trying to keep the distance when I work. But know that the feeling is mutual, Bella."
There was that warmth again. What is that?
Is that a feeling?
"Do you think Jacob can ever make you feel happiness, Bella?"
"No."
Oh…
Well, there's the answer.
Right?
Edward didn't stop to let me ponder further, "What's important, Bella, is that you find happiness yourself, too. Not just to rely on others to make you feel. Friends like Jasper… and me… are perfect for support, having fun, conversing, go out, you get the idea. But what you also need is to find happiness within yourself. You need to be happy with you."
"And how do I do that, doc?"
"Give yourself what you want. Take care of yourself for a change instead of just everyone else. What you don't seem to see is how caring you are. And how are you caring if you don't feel anything? If you don't believe your husband will ever contribute to you making yourself happy, then you have your answer."
"So, I should divorce him, then."
"I'm not going to spell it out word for word. That's something you have to do for yourself. You are the one that has to see if you think the marriage is good or not."
Well, damn.
Scribbling, by the way.
"We've already established what you want. You want to feel alive, yes?"
"Yep," I responded.
"What are you missing in your life? It's a very broad question, but feel free to interpret. What do you want that you don't have?"
I gave it some thought, because he was right. It is a broad question. But I think we both know we're not talking about a cruise or a spa trip.
What do I want?
"Can I think out loud?" I asked.
"Absolutely," he encouraged.
"What do I want?" I exhaled loudly, "I want to feel. I want happiness… I want to love and be loved in return… I want to feel love… I know I've never had anything intense in my life, so that would definitely be cool… I mean, that's all I write about… or used to write about… What I didn't or don't have… that's what I put on paper… Love… being cherished… Feeling intensity… Passion… Something so consuming that you can't think straight. I want earth shattering… I want something powerful to shake me alive… Something different than what's already out there, because not much has captured me… if anything… I wish I could write again, I wish I could find joy in reading fan-mail, and I wish I wanted to do more research… that was always fun…
"I've always been stubborn, and somewhat strong… always open minded and accepting, it's just that it wasn't until we moved to New York that I started using my voice to say what I wanted… But fuck, once I did… it was so fulfilling and satisfying… But despite being open minded and accepting, I've never really felt like I belonged. Either to or with someone, or to something. Anything. And that is something I really want… To belong. To feel like I'm home… I've never had that… And I guess I haven't really looked… shit…
"But yeah, I want to feel like I belong somewhere… to someone… To give and take… To love giving, but also to feel like the other person want to give back… Not out of guilt, or just because you're supposed to… But because you want it. My fucking God, I'm rambling. I'm done. There's a shitload I want or want to want."
Scribbling.
Scribbling.
So much scribbling.
Flipping pages.
More scribbling.
"Well… You're right, Bella. There is a lot you want. Isn't it time we figured out how to get it for you?"
"Yes, and please," I chuckled.
"We'll start with that on Friday. You can open you eyes now," he chuckled.
Stretching and groaning, I got up from the futon.
Edward was looking proper as ever in his glasses, beautiful smile, and caring eyes. But I on the other hand felt like I had slept for a few hours.
"Can I ask you a question?" he asked.
I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that what you do for a living? You don't have to ask to ask."
"I meant as a friend," he said softly. Always softly.
"Shoot," I grinned.
"I have to say I'm curious. You're a published author?"
"Yes," I snickered, not really knowing how he will react when he finds out I write porn. Or hard core erotica.
"What do you write?"
"Do you want me to be blunt or do you want me to give you the correct name?"
"Be yourself, Bella," he smirked, lacing his fingers behind his head as he stretched.
Sexy.
"I, Dr. Cullen, write porn," I said. "Hard core porn."
Edward swallowed hard and leaned forward in his seat. "P-porn?"
"Yep," I replied, popping the 'p', and really enjoying Edward's wide eyes.
He started squirming in his seat – fidgeting with his glasses – and I smirked.
I do believe Edward Cullen is embarrassed. I had no idea he was a prude.
But he was saved by the bell… or the buzzer… as Edward's receptionist informed him of his next patient's arrival.
"See ya on Friday, Cullen," I sang.
"Uhm… yea, see you on Friday," he cleared his throat. "Take care, Bella."
"You, too. And take care of Jasper," I winked before I left.

*o*o*o*

I spent the rest of the day cleaning, cooking… and contacting a lawyer.
Bella Black is getting divorced.
I can't say I care, but I do believe getting out of my marriage might help me find who I am, and what I want. And I know it's not Jake.
My phone buzzed just as I heard Jake's car roll in, and I smiled at the text.
Hey, B. Wanna do something tomorrow? – Jasper.
Now this is what's so good about gay guys. You can flirt and throw in sexual innuendos without worrying.
Something? I have a name, cowboy. But you can do me. Sure. – Bella.
Well, aren't you funny today? Edward asks if he can join ;) – Jasper.
Oh, Jasper, Jasper, little do you know that that would actually be fucking awesome.
Of course! The more the merrier ;) Or I could just watch you guys! – Bella.
That would also be so hot.
Gotta go, Edward's feeling frisky ;) Call you tomorrow! – Jasper.
You lucky bitch – Bella.
"I said, what are you doing?"
Oh.
I whipped around, seeing Jake stand with his arms crossed in the doorway to the kitchen. "Oh, hey, I didn't hear you come in."
"Obviously," he huffed. "Where's dinner? I'm starving."
"It's in the oven. And we need to talk," I replied.
I wanted to get this over with immediately, so that maybe I could one day feel better. Or feel anything.
"Let's talk now then, 'cause there's a game on," he muttered as he pulled out the dinner.
Fine.
"I want to get divorced, Jake."
"No."
Edward POV.
"So, how was the session today?" Jazz asked.
I chuckled at him, knowing he wouldn't be able to hold it for long.
"You know, usually right after we have sex, you say how much you love me," I grinned. "Now all of the sudden it's 'How did the session go'?"
He smacked my chest and I pulled him closer to me, kissing his forehead.
"You know I can't talk about it, Jazz," I murmured.
"I know," he sighed heavily, bringing the cover over us. "I just wish she would feel better soon."
"Me, too. But I'm working on it," I smirked.
"Cocky, are we?"
What can I say? I'm good at what I do.
Jazz turned over with his back to me, and I followed so I could spoon him. But fuck, I can't help myself from reacting, you know.
Many things on your mind today, Edward…
Kissing his neck and shoulders, I felt my cock harden again and when it's perfectly wedged between his legs, it's kinda difficult not to continue.
"Fuck, Edward… Already?" he breathed.
"Mmhmm," I hummed. "All fours."
"Damn, what's gotten into you tonight?" he groaned as I positioned my cock against his ass.
Bella's texting, I wanted to say. But I didn't.
"You, once," I chuckled instead. "Don't you remember, baby? It was only forty minutes ago."
Without even waiting for a response, I thrust in roughly, us both still slick from our last time.
Fuck.
My eyes rolled back.
As I pulled out and pushed in again, I just knew I wouldn't do slow tonight.
"Fuck," I gritted. "I'm not gonna go slow."
"Oh, God!" he groaned.
With a tight grip on his hips, I started fucking him harder and harder – both angry and frustrated with myself… but also confused.
I couldn't stop the images from coming. Images of Bella. Images of how passionate she looked when she spoke about all the things she wanted in life. She was so fucking beautiful. Exposed. So honest.
Her words assaulted me.
Love… being cherished… Feeling intensity… Passion… Something so consuming that you can't think straight. I want earth shattering… I want something powerful to shake me alive…
"Goddamnit!" I growled as I pounded into him.
She was poisoning me with her beauty, with her sensuality, with her wishes…
"That's it, Edward," Jazz moaned.
"You're stroking yourself for me?" I grunted.
"Fuck, yes!"
More images came. Bella almost purring out that she writes erotica. So fucking sexy. I couldn't help myself from getting hard… for her. Fuck, so hard. Or how beautiful she was when she spoke about Jazz. So caring and selfless.
My orgasm began to build, and that's when my imagination really kicked in. Bella on her knees, sucking me off. Bella sucking Jasper off as I watch. Jasper and me as Bella watch. Holy shit… Me pounding into her tight pussy, punishing her for putting a fucking spell on me. Me tasting her. Her tasting herself on me and Jazz.
Me kissing her…
"FUCK!" I shouted, thrusting jerkily as the orgasm washed over me.
Jasper came with me, I felt him, kissed his back, loving the way he tensed and shook.
The sounds he made.
Everything about him.
"I didn't hurt you, did I?" I panted.
I had really fucked him hard, and my grip on him must have hurt. We usually don't go this rough.
"Edward, you could never hurt me," he gasped.
I pulled out of him and cleaned us both off before I dragged his spent body close to me.
"I love you," I murmured, my eyes closing in conflict.
"Love you, too," he drawled sleepily.
I was in trouble.
Already longing for her – only – third session. Already picturing her…
Over and over, never ending. Hard.
I fantasized about fulfilling her wishes. In my fantasies, Bella never denied me.

*o*o*o*

I woke up in the middle of the night, because Jazz's phone wouldn't shut the fuck up. Now, why the fuck would he activate the reminder-beep? You know the one that some phones have that beeps every five minutes until you've checked the unread text or whatever.
Yeah, those suck.
I grabbed his phone from the nightstand and checked the first of two messages.
You lucky bitch – Bella.
Confused, I checked the sent messaged to which she had replied.
Gotta go, Edward's feeling frisky ;) Call you tomorrow! – Jasper.
I smirked at that.
But then the guilt kicked in.
I had been extra turned on tonight. But it was because of… Bella.
All Bella.
Sighing to myself, I checked the last incoming message.
Jake kicked me out. Can crash at your couch just for tonight? – Bella.
"That son of a bitch," I hissed, jumping out of bed. "Jasper, we're going over to Bella's."
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"Huh? W-what's… going on?" he grumbled sleepily.
"That dipshit of a husband kicked Bella out," I growled as I threw on a pair of jeans and a hoodie.
"What the fuck?" Jasper snapped and flew out of the bed. "Did she call? Text? How do you know? Fuck, I'm gonna kick his ass."
I showed him the text, and then groaned as I saw that the text had come over an hour ago.
It was four in the morning. Who the hell kicks his own wife out like that?
"Call her," I said, tossing him the phone.
As soon as I had located her address, we headed to my car, but at this time, Bella was still not answering.
Speeding through Forks, all I could think about was her text. I could see it. I could see her… or I could imagine, at least. Probably emotionally detached, just sitting somewhere – not reacting. She really needs to break down, I thought. She needs to react.
"Still no answer," Jazz said in a slightly panicked voice.
Fuck.
"Do you know what kind of car she drives?" I asked.
"A rusty old piece of shit in red. A Chevy, I think."
I nodded, beginning to scan the area for a car that somehow Bella has. Can't say I'm surprised. She doesn't seem like the type who would buy a new car just because she's published. And then there was the whole Jacob-not-knowing. She probably couldn't even buy a car if she wanted, seeing as she would have no way of explaining where the money came from. What a clusterfuck.
"What the hell? Edward, over there!"
I followed his line of vision, and what the hell, indeed.
On the grocery store's parking lot was a rusty old truck, and Bella was sitting on the hood… just looking up at the sky.
This is not good.
"Jazz, I'll deal with this, okay?" I said, not leaving anything for discussion.
My medical training kicked in, and as I parked the car, I gave Jazz a pointed look to stay in the car.
"Fine," he grumbled.
I wouldn't ever call Jasper feminine, but he was more emotional than me, that's for sure, and I know he would freak out seeing Bella this way.
I exited the car and walked over to her, making sure I made noises with my feet to not startle her by just coming into view.
It's almost mid December, what the hell is she doing out in the cold?
"Bella?" I said quietly.
Deeply worried now, because I was in full view and she still hadn't reacted to my presence – still just looking up at the sky.
She heard me and lowered her head, giving me a small smile. "Hey, Edward," she said softly. "What are you doing here?"
I leaned my elbows on the hood of her truck and frowned.
"We got your message. Sorry for not seeing it until now."
"That's okay."
No. Nothing about this is okay, Bella.
"Come on, beautiful, we're going to our house," I murmured, reaching my hand out for her.
"I don't wanna impose. I tend to do that a lot."
Robotic. No emotions what so ever.
"You could never impose, got it, Bella? You're coming with us," I said firmly, close to freaking out myself and rip Jacob a new one.
"What about my truck?"
"Leave it. We'll get it in the morning."
She finally took my hand, and it was like a shockwave of warmth went through me, leaving my hand tingling as I led her to my car.
It reminded me of what I felt when I met her for the first time.
Jazz came out just as we approached the car, and I told him to get in the back with Bella, so I could drive.
Getting back home without doing anything stupid was hard as hell, because all I did was look in the rearview mirror, and Bella was quiet and still – not saying a word. Just looking out her window.
And Jazz was silently panicking.
"You live in this house? I heard it was used to shoot some vampire movie. It's beautiful," Bella murmured as I parked my car.
I didn't bother with an answer. I mean, what was I going to say?
That didn't matter. All I wanted was to take care of the girl I had known for four days. I already felt so strongly for her, and I know Jazz loves her, most likely because they go way back. It doesn't take many minutes to get attached to Bella, and she's already made Jazz feel better about the move here. Combine that with the beautiful girl she is – inside and out – it's hard not to feel for her.
"Take her to the den and start up a fire," I said to Jazz as he lifted her out of the car. "I'll be there in a sec."
In the kitchen I grabbed some fruit, water, chocolate, and soda. There was no knowing when she ate last, and with her sitting in the December cold without a jacket, she needs to get fluids and sugar in her system.
She needs warmth. On so many levels.

Edward POV.
There was no knowing when she ate last, and with her sitting in the December cold without a jacket, she needs to get fluids and sugar in her system.
She needs warmth. On so many levels.
The fire was already started when I got to the den. It was by far the best part of the house – warm, comfortable, and homey with its warm colors.
With a worried Jasper on one side, I sat down next to Bella on her other side, and I exchanged worried glances with Jazz. "Has she said anything?"
He shook his head no, and made sure she was covered in blankets. "Only that the couch was comfy."
Jesus, what had Jacob done?
"Bella?" I said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
Slowly, she faced me with the same empty expression. "Yes, Edward?"
I opened a can of soda for her and poured it in a glass. "You need to drink. Can you tell me how long you were out there?"
"Thank you," she replied, sipping her drink. "Jake kicked me out around two, and I don't really have friends, so I just drove around for a while."
In my peripheral I saw Jasper's eyes well up and I prayed Bella wouldn't see it. She would focus on making him feel better. That's what Bella does. And always has.
Never being taken cared of. Always taking care.
"You have us," I murmured. "Never doubt that, okay?"
I took her glass and handed her a banana and a chocolate bar, and she took it wordlessly.
"You're not wearing your glasses," she said after a while.
"Reading glasses," I replied.
What I wouldn't give to get inside her head.
"Can you tell me what happened tonight?" I asked.
I shook my head, feeling sad for her as she tilted her head back to the back of the couch, and closed her eyes.
Just like in a session.
Jasper eyed me confusingly but I just shook my head again. 'Later', I mouthed.
"When Jacob came home, he asked where his dinner was, and I told him it was in the oven. He took it out, and I said I wanted to talk to him… He said we had to do it right away because there was a game on…"
Son. Of. A. Bitch.
"I told him I wanted to get a divorce…"
Good girl. Go on, beautiful.
"He said no. I said yes. He asked why. And I said I wanted to be happy again, and that he couldn't do that… Uhm, he ate his dinner… Then he left for Leah… And when he came home again, I told him I wasn't asking. I was telling. I wanted out… And he still said no… So, I asked about Leah and how far along she was in her pregnancy…"
Jazz drew in a sharp breath at the new information to him, and I shook my head at him. "What happened then, Bella?" I continued, giving Jasper a pointed look to keep quiet.
I wanted Bella to get this out, so she could sleep, and then we could start with making her feel better tomorrow. That was really a process I wanted to get started with ASAP.
"He was shocked that I knew… and I think I got a bit snarky, because I told him I have eyes… Jake didn't like that… I was never one to talk against him… But I was so ready to move on… I really felt something. It was frustration, but a feeling nonetheless…"
"That's great," I praised quietly. "And then what?"
"He finally said 'fine'. And then he said it was just as well anyway, because I was just an imposer, and I had been in the way… Something about me hindering him from having a real family with Leah… So, we agreed on getting divorced, and that I would have the papers drawn up as soon as possible… Uhm… then he left again… And when he came back, he had Leah with him… He said it was their house now."
I was livid. Fucking raging.
But I couldn't show that. And it was hard. So goddamn hard.
Clenching my teeth together, I spoke as calmly as I could muster. "You did great, Bella. The right thing. And… Jacob's wrong, beautiful… You see that, don't you?"
Please say you don't believe what he told you.
"I don't know," she shrugged.
Jesus Christ.
I rubbed my face, pulled at my hair, and pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to figure this mess out. That she needed care was obvious. She needed to know that people care about and for her. But would Bella really accept it so easily? And then there was the fact that in her healing process it was important that she didn't become co-dependant. It was important she started living for herself and not for others.
"That's enough for tonight," I sighed heavily. "Jazz, can you set up the guestroom next to our room?"
Jazz left with a sad nod, and I glanced back at Bella, her eyes still closed.
"Can you open your eyes for me, baby?" I murmured.
Her tired eyes met mine and she still managed to give me a smile.
"You two are wonderful," she whispered.
My chest tightened and I instinctively pulled her to me. "So are you, Bella. Believe that," I breathed.
There was no describing what I felt to have her in my arms. It felt right. Perfect.
I wanted to take care of her. Protect her.
Jesus.
"Jazz is going to stay with you tonight, okay?" I murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of her head.
I couldn't stop it.
The feeling was too great to ignore.

*o*o*o*

I was a grumpy mess of exhaustion as I dragged my ass out of bed at seven. And the shower sure as fuck didn't help.
But something did.
Before I left for work, I opened the door to the guestroom, and I swear my breathing hitched as I saw Bella in Jasper's arms – both relaxed and sleeping peacefully – legs tangled together, and Bella in Jasper's clothes.
It was beautiful.
I wanted it.

*o*o*o*

The next few months passed quickly. Bella's divorce was progressing smoothly thanks to the lawyers Jazz and I hired for her, because fuck, we wanted her to clean that sorry son of a bitch out, and though it took a fuckload of convincing, she moved in with me and Jazz for a while.
I mean, we have a three story house. It's not like we don't have room.
It was evident that both Jazz and I loved having her with us, and he and Bella quickly became thick as thieves – always spending time together. And whenever I came home from work, we would all eat together and just… be. The house became warmer, and I know Jazz felt the same. But we didn't talk about it.
We never talked about our growing affection for Bella. But I think we both feel it. Jasper's already had a crush on her in the past. It's far from impossible for him to feel that way again. And then there's me…
I want her.
Fuck, I really want her.
Being her friend and therapist was hard, but… being her therapist and having feelings for her – whole other level of hell. It doesn't exactly help that she's a natural flirt. Oh, and don't get me started on the way she dresses around the house. Sweet motherfucking Jesus, she's always in tiny cotton shorts – that could be so easily ripped off – and tank tops. Always naturally beautiful and fresh. Simple and casual. And her skin… Fuck. So smooth and soft.
Quite different from how Jasper feels against me.
But that's the thing. I couldn't love Jazz more. I'm still very much in love with him. The only difference now is that I'm aching for Bella, too.

*o*o*o*

Bella and I are having our first session in the house today. I want to try a new approach to make her feel, and get in touch with her own reactions, and my office isn't soundproof.
We've spent that past three months discussing everything in her life, and it feels like I know her better than anyone, but she's still very numb. She only smiles when either Jazz or I are there, and she only feels for someone. She's monotone in the regard to herself.
I want to change that today.
Starting with the more primal feelings – anger, jealousy, lust, hate, and sadness. These emotions are strong and the easiest to provoke, although I have no idea yet how to make her jealous. She should've felt envy when she found out about Jacob and Leah, but she didn't.
She didn't care.
The one we'll be dealing with today is anger. That's something she's already felt, and I know exactly how to provoke her.
Through Jasper.
After we've dealt with anger, we'll wait a few days or a week, and then I'm going for sadness. I think I know what to do there, too.
Don't ask me about lust. That's one I'm going to postpone.
Bella POV.

*o*o*o*

All he said was to get dressed and meet him in the back yard.
He was different at home today, because I know he's not Edward – my friend – but Edward, my therapist.
I had no idea why we didn't go to his office, but hey, he's the professional.
Living with Edward and Jasper has been wonderful, and hadn't I seen how much they liked having me here, I would've found a new place by now. But they do. And so do I.
A lot.
Too much.
I haven't told Edward yet, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I belong somewhere. I feel like this is home. Relaxed, casual, warm, and always wonderful.
Spending my days with Jasper, or when he's working on the third floor in his office, I walk around on their premises. I clean and cook because I want to, and I watch them bitch around like women because it makes me laugh. They really go at it when they're talking sports. And I have to say they are the weirdest gay couple in the world. That they love each other is very clear, and they're both so affectionate. But they're both also men's men. Jasper may be just a tad more touchy feely, but other than that, they're men. They drink beer, watch games, order pizza because neither of them knows how to boil water, and they can't do laundry to save their lives.
They had Mrs. Cope to do that.
Safe to say, I gave her the boot when I moved in.
That was my condition. I help. I pay rent.
They bitched like women until I put my foot down. It was quite entertaining.
I mean, it's not like I can't afford it.
Anyway, had I been capable of the feeling, I know I would've loved them. Actually I wouldn't be surprised if I wasin love with them. They're wonderful, perfect, and… I already said perfect.
As I walked out after pulling on Jasper's ski jacket, and my own boots, I noticed Jasper watching from the third floor.
I waved to him and he laughed.
Bitch.
"Isn't that cold?" chuckled a velvet voice.
Edward was standing in the middle of the big ass lawn – looking sexy as ever – in his own black ski jacket, jeans, boots, and beanie.
No may-I-call-you-master glasses today.
"Pfft." I waved him off, making him laugh harder.
His laughter is carefree and amazing. And his face is beautiful.
Even if he's laughing at what I'm wearing.
Yeah, I might be in a thick jacket and warm boots, but I'm still only wearing my cotton shorts and they disappear under Jasper's jacket.
"Let's get to it, doc."
"Suit yourself," he grinned.
"Alright," he sighed. "Take a deep breath… and close your eyes."
I obeyed, closing my eyes, breathing deeply – relaxing my body. Well, not fully, because I'm standing up, and I don't wanna fall.
"We will do an exercise today, and the goal is to provoke feelings."
"Good luck," I snorted.
"I don't need it, smart ass."
I cocked an eyebrow but kept my eyes closed. "Does the mindfucker say that to the patient?"
He huffed but said nothing for a while.
.
.
.
"My goal today is to make you feel anger and rage."
"Okay," I sighed.
"Jasper is gay."
"No shit, Sherlock," I grinned.
"Jasper is a queer. A fag."
"Uh-huh…"
Where the hell is he going with this?
Stupid.
"Jasper goes against nature."
Oh, no you didn't…
"Who the fuck decides what's natural?" I snapped.
Edward better get to the point soon.
"God. Religion, period. The society. It's common knowledge, Bella."
His voice isn't soft today. It's mocking. I don't like it. I prefer soft and scribbling.
"They can go fuck themselves," I huffed, struggling to keep my eyes closed. "And so can you, Edward. I can't fucking believe how stupid you are. Who the hell do you think you are? You can shove your fancy diploma so far up your ass that you'll forget your title as a doctor!"
"Jasper deserved his treatment back in school."
My eyes shot open.
Did he just say that? Did he just say that!
Edward was standing all casual and shit, and I didn't like it. His face still relaxed, I wanted to smack him.
I glared at him. "Fuck you."
"I'm just speaking the truth, Bella," he shrugged. "Jasper's disgusting."
I started breathing heavily, my chest constricting and heaving, my fists clenching.
I seethed, "Die."
He narrowed his eyes at me, his eyes flickering to my hands before determination took over his features. "Yes. Shouldn't Jasper and I both die for how disgusting we are?"
I was shaking. My blood was boiling. I had no control. Them dying? They're the most beautiful people on earth. They're loving. They don't judge. They help. They're perfect. They can never be wrong for loving each other.
Words weren't enough for me anymore.
I charged.
Running towards him, I saw only one thing. Red.
I saw red for what he had said, and with his filthy words polluting the air, I jumped him. I hit him. I kicked. I thrashed when he pinned me to his body. I couldn't move any longer. So, I screamed. I screamed what an idiot he was. I shouted for him to let me go. I screamed. It felt good. It felt.
Liberating.
Freeing.
I screamed out.
"Let it go, Bella…"
I screamed and panted, completely out of breath, but I didn't care. I didn't care about air right now. I was just so… mad. Furious. Angry. Raging.
Livid.
And it felt so good.
"That's it… Perfect…"
It felt.
The blood pumping, ringing in my ears – the adrenaline making me heave. My body was alive. I could feel it everywhere. Everything was alive in me. Clenching and constricting, pounding and rushing. Yes, rushing. Something was inside of me rushing.
I screamed again.
"Channel it, Bella… You're doing so good, baby… Come on… Channel it."
I heard him, but I couldn't hold on to it. I wasn't done yet. I needed more. So much more.
But my fuel was running out, and I drew a ragged breath.
"Breathe, beautiful… You can do it… Focus on your breathing…"
I slumped my forehead against his chest, and I felt weak. So weak for not being able to keep my rage going. I don't know why I felt that way. Rage is not good. Not healthy.
But it felt so liberating.
"You… didn't mean it… did you?" I breathed weakly.
"Of course not, love," he whispered against the top of my head. "It was just apart of the exercise. I needed to hit a nerve."
Suddenly I felt tired. Just exhausted and spent.
"I'm telling Jasper," I mumbled petulantly.
He tightened his arms around me, and I could feel his lips curve into a smile.
"You really don't think I already talked this over with him?" he chuckled. "What do you take me for?"
"Hmph."

*o*o*o*

A few weeks passed and I was an emotional mess.
Edward was relentless with his fucking exercises in the garden, and after we had brought out anger, he taught me how to deal with – how to channel it, and keep it at bay. It was hard, and Edward may have ended up with a scratch or two.
His fault.
Sexy bastard.
We still had two sessions every week at his office at the hospital, but every Saturday, he mindfucked me in the backyard. And last week it was sadness. Now I'm crying every fucking minute of the day, and I can't stop. Everything sets me off. It can be a TV commercial about diapers, it can be Edward and Jasper kissing, it can be when they compliment my cooking, it can be when I realize my gas tank is empty in the truck.
You get the picture.
I cry.
The first time was when Edward came home from work, and he kissed me on the forehead before kissing Jasper so sweetly – telling him he loved him. And I just broke down. I was literally a weeping mess, blubbering out how adorable they were.
The next time was the damn diaper commercial. Those babies were just so fucking cute that I broke down again.
I'm spent.
Cooked and done.
This feeling shit is overwhelming.
It started with Edward's way of bring out sadness of me. And he did it in a very unconventional way. We hadn't even decided that it was a session. We were simply sitting in the den, watching a movie, and Edward draped his arm over me and murmured, "You know Jasper and I love you, right?"
As soon as I saw the raw honesty in his eyes, I burst into tears. The only warning was pricking and stinging, and that lasted all of three seconds before my eyes welled up. It was so overwhelming.
And I cried because I couldn't say it back. I don't know what love feels like, and I would never lie to Jasper and Edward. I want to be honest with them. Always. And they love me for who I am.
I was so fucking sad that it led to rage and I hating myself. I hated myself so much for being fucked up. I hated that I couldn't pinpoint what I did feel for them. Because I know that I feel now.
Warmth all over whenever I see them, especially Edward. There's always a wave of something washing over me when he's close. I can always feel his presence. And it prickles, tingles… It's fluttering and warm. It feels in my chest. It's whenever I see Edward smile, whenever I feel them touch me, whenever I hear Jasper snicker in amusement, whenever I hear Edward's voice, whenever I listen to Jasper play guitar, whenever they look at each other with so much love that it's radiating, whenever Edward plays the piano.
Is that love I feel?
I know they're both everything to me, so on some level I know I love them immensely. I'm just afraid that my feelings go deeper. They love me as their 'roommate,' friend, and confidant. They know I'm there for them.
But I think I feel more.
And that can't be good. That's just setting me up for heartbreak.
I'm just tired now. The way Edward's been pushing me relentlessly. The way they tell me they love me. The way I feel after a session. The way I'm beginning to feel happy. The way Edward's smugness for succeeding just makes me want to kiss the hell out of him instead of punching him.
He's basically been playing God out in that fucking garden, and he's brought out so much crap in me. Crap that I now have to deal with.
And he's smug. Because I'm getting better.
But I'm tired.
Four months with Edward and Jasper, and I'm tired, but I'm also… me. I'm home. I belong. I feel.
Too much, but whatever.

Bella POV.
I hate waking up in the middle of the night.
I hate it.
Pretty much like I hate Mike Newton.
Hatred and disgust are the newest feelings I feel, and can pinpoint.
Actually I've felt hate for a while, but channeling it is very new.
Yesterday when Edward took me to the grocery store, I failed to channel my feelings, and disgust was oh so revealed.
Forks is a small town and you're bound to run into someone you know. It happens everyday, and when we happened to run into Mike motherfucking Newton, he just had to hit on me.
Edward took the opportunity to introduce himself, and when Mike blatantly asked if he was my boyfriend since he'd heard about my divorce, Edward said that he lives with me and his boyfriend.
Mike took it too far.
He didn't say anything but his face said it all, and when I saw his disgusted expression, Edward had to physically drag me out of there.
I hate Mike motherfucking Newton. I'm disgusted by him.
Edward had merely brushed it off, because they're used to that reaction.
But I give a fuck.
It may be hopeless to waste your energy on – as Edward told me – but I can't just let it go.
I hated Edward for five minutes.
Anyway, I dragged my hating ass down the stairs to get some water, but I stopped short on the last step when I heard grunting and moaning coming from the den.
I sucked in a deep breath, unable to leave, and very aware of what was going on. With my room right next to theirs, I had of course heard them before, but this… this was new.
Could I take the last four steps and peek into the den?
"Fuck," Jasper hissed. "Right there."
Oh, God.
I recognized the feeling surging through me immediately. It had been the same that I had felt the first time I saw Edward.
Lust.
Oh, God.
I couldn't stop myself. Soundlessly, I made my way over to the edge of the doorway, and what I saw took my breath away.
A rush of wetness dampened my panties – something I hadn't felt in so long – as I saw the scene in front of me. The room dimly lit by only a fire, and Edward and Jasper lying on the soft and thick rug in front of it. They were both naked.
So beautiful.
The light from the fire danced over their moving bodies so erotically, so hotly, and so sensually. Both slick with a sheen of sweat. Their breathing erratic, legs tangled together. Kissing, hands roaming and caressing. Moaning. Moving in synch.
Oh, God.
Edward kissed his way down Jasper's chest, making him hiss in pleasure, and he didn't stop until he reached Jasper's very hard cock. And the way Edward kissed and licked… it was… earth shattering lust that rushed through me.
Desire.
Jasper fisted Edward's hair as he started easing Jasper's cock into his mouth… So hot. And from the light of the fire, I could see the glistening of their liquids. Erotic. Intense.
"Fuck, I love your mouth," Jasper groaned, his words sending shockwaves of lust through me.
Edward hummed around him and as he changed his position, I saw Edward. I mean, I really saw him. His erection was out of this world. Huge, thick, and rock hard. The sight of it turned my breathing into shallow pants, and I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep quiet.
"So close…" Jasper breathed.
Fuck me.
I saw how he tensed under Edward's touch, and I watched as Edward increased his pace.
Nothing had ever felt this intense before. Watching Jasper cum in Edward's mouth, hearing them both moan and groan of the release… It was indescribable.
Edward released Jasper and slowly kissed his way up again, and I witnessed it all. I witnessed the love they poured into that kiss. Their mouths and tongues moving in perfect synch.
This was what I wanted to write about. This intensity.
"I need you," Jasper panted.
Oh, shit, are they…?
Fuck, they are.
I quickly hid behind the door as they moved around, but when I heard Jasper again, I couldn't stop myself from going back to my spot.
"Fuck me, Edward… please."
Jasper was now bent over the back of the couch, and Edward kissed his back while applying lubrication to Jasper's ass. And I couldn't believe what I was about to watch. But I couldn't find it in me to hate myself for it. I just couldn't. This was too erotic to miss.
I saw everything. Their profiles.
"Ready for me?" Edward whispered as he positioned his thick cock at Jasper's entrance.
"God, yes," Jasper gasped.
So am I…
And in one swift thrust, I watched Edward's cock disappear into Jasper.
"Fuck, Jazz," Edward gritted out, his face beautifully contorted in pleasure.
Breathing, groaning, gasping, grunting, and the sound of slick skin slapping together filled the air, and it was… again, no words can describe it.
Beautiful, raw, needy, and passionate – words I would use, but they're still not close to capturing it fully.
There is no describing Edward's body either, but as my fingers began to itch for the lettered keyboard, I tried; muscular, broad, beautiful, defined, sexy, built.
He's blessed.
They both are.
And my God, Edward's ass deserves an award…
The slapping of their skin got louder and I could see how tight Edward's grip was on Jasper's hips, both of their faces strained. It wouldn't be long.
By now I was silently panting and gulping, clutching my chest with one hand, and covering my mouth with the other, and my eyes were wide. I didn't want to miss a thing and I cursed myself for having to blink.
"I'm… close," Edward groaned, pounding harder and deeper, making his ass cheeks clench tightly. "Fuck, B-… Goddamnit!"
"Cum in me, Edward… Please cum in me," Jasper moaned.
Oh, God!
Edward tensed and drove harshly into Jasper one last time, hissing out profanities as his orgasm took over.
I couldn't breathe, and I was covered in a light sheen of sweat. It wasn't enough. I needed more, but I couldn't do it alone.
Just by watching them, I was on the edge, but memories of my old life and how I had to satisfy my needs alone… Those memories had me crying silently as I walked up the stairs again.
Alone.
I hated myself.

*o*o*o*

That night as I dreamed about the two men I was living with, I received my answer. That night as my walls were down, I could pinpoint my feelings. I could recognize and acknowledge it all.
I love them.
And fuck my life, because I'm in love with Edward. My crush on Jasper is also back in full force.
I'm screwed.
Feelings are suddenly my enemy. I love feeling, and being alive again, but nothing good will come out of this. This will just break my heart. This will just make me lose the only two people I have ever truly loved.

*o*o*o*

"Good morning, sunshine," Jasper chuckled as I entered the kitchen. "You're looking awfully grumpy this morning."
No, really? I watched you two make love, and then I realized I'm pretty much in love with both of ya! Now, why on earth would I be grumpy?
Fucker.
"Fuck off, bitch," I grumbled as I walked over to the cup of coffee that an amused looking Edward held out for me.
"Thanks," I mumbled, ignoring that fluttering in my stomach that I now know what it is.
Love.
Ugh.
Fuck my life.
"Something wrong this morning?" Edward asked, his face still so fucking amused.
I looked up to face him fully, but as soon as I saw those sparkling green eyes, I lost my snarky attitude.
I'm in love with you.
I started crying.
Edward POV.
Saturday today. That means another session with Bella, but I'm not really sure what to do today. Lust and envy are the only primal emotions left before we move on to lighter, less heavy emotions as happiness and hope.
But lust is really something I'm having a hard time to deal with when it comes to Bella, especially since I realized I'm in love with her.
It was last week when we were outside on the porch listening to Jasper jam with his guitar that Bella snuggled her way into my arms, resting her face on my chest that it hit me just how strong my feelings were for her.
It's that warmth rushing, sending shockwaves through me. It's that intense spark.
With Jazz I have a warming feeling in chest, and I love him more than life itself. But that fucking spark I feel whenever Bella is near… it's so powerful, and it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
I'm also running out of time.
I have to speak to Jazz about it, I just don't know how. What I feel for both of them is simply impossible to hide. Had it only been a crush or something, then I would've buried it, but this is goddamn love. I'm in love with her.
"Good morning, sunshine," Jasper chuckled then, and I looked up to see an adorably disheveled Bella enter the kitchen.
"You're looking awfully grumpy this morning," he added.
I walked over to the counter and poured her a cup of coffee – she really looked like she needed it.
"Fuck off, bitch," she grumbled with a glare.
Yep, she needs it.
I smirked and offered her the cup, and she mumbled a thanks.
Fuck, she's cute.
"Something wrong this morning?" I teased.
She shook her head slightly before tilting her head up to meet my gaze, and I just lost.
I remember how depthless her dark brown eyes had been before, but they had changed. God, they have changed. They were not only deeper and more alive, but also liquid. Liquid pools. So expressive.
I love you, Bella…
Then she started crying.
Awesome.
This wasn't new with the latest developments, but I could still never get used to it. It broke me to see her in tears.
"What's wrong, beautiful?" I asked softly, taking the coffee from her before wrapping my arms around her.
She fits perfectly…
"Nothing," she cried, the sound muffled by my chest.
I tightened my hold on her and looked over at Jazz who was as clueless as me.
"Wanna talk about it?" I asked.
She shook her head but I ignored her and led her into the den where I sat down with her on my lap.
"Talk to me, beautiful," I murmured.
"You always call me that," she whimpered, her head buried in the crook of my neck.
"Beautiful?"
She nodded.
"Because you are. So beautiful," I whispered.
She was quiet for a while, and I took the opportunity to just breathe her in. It's not exactly a secret that I crave her flowery scent. It's just so her.
After a few minutes, she sat up straighter and hitched her leg on the other side of me, effectively straddling me.
I swallowed hard as I looked into her eyes. "Feeling better?"
She smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. Sorry for always breaking down."
"Don't be. It's hard in the beginning until you get your emotions under control," I smiled. "But what was the reason this time? The memory of a diaper commercial?" I winked.
She smacked my chest but that just made me laugh.
Fuck, I really love her.
"There's one feeling I've discovered myself, by the way," she mumbled shyly after a few moments.
That had my attention. And curiosity.
"What's that?" I asked.
Looking me dead in the eye, she replied softly. "That I love you and Jasper."
Fuck. Me.
All air left me in a fucking whoosh as I crushed her to my body, and I felt nothing but love and pride for her.
"That's fucking amazing, Bella," I whispered. "We love you, too," more than you'll ever know…
Love is not an easy feeling to pinpoint since you can love in so many ways, but that Bella did it, well, that's just fucking great. And yes, I'm goddamn proud of her.
Bella POV.
"Give me the goddamn remote!" I laughed.
"No!" Jasper laughed back. "We're watching the game. I'm not going to suffer through some godawful chick flick!"
"We're not watching anything. You are watching the game, and it's not a chick flick," I huffed.
He didn't even listen to me anymore. He didn't even care when I pouted. And he won't exactly care if I squeeze my boobs together, so what can I do? A woman can't do shit in this house to get her way.
Nothing.
Just sit and mope and wait until Edward gets home from work. Oh, and he's bringing pizza.
Fucking A.
Another month has passed since I told Edward and Jasper that I loved them, and now we're all I-love-you-sluts who say it all the time. It's just that when I say it, it means more… but whatever.
Anyway, we're celebrating today, because my divorce is finalized, and I'm officially Bella Swan again.
It wasn't a difficult divorce, far from it actually. I only had to see Jake three times – twice with our lawyers, and once when Edward helped me clear out the little I wanted from the old house.
Edward may or may not have punched Jake in the face and he may or may not have cracked his nose.
Jake threatened to press charges.
I told him that if he did, I would tell his father that Jake had sold an old family heirloom in order to buy a part for his fucking car when we were in High School.
Was my threat juvenile?
Meh, it worked.
Of course, it helped that my lawyer was a big-shot, and Jake's fucking broke now.
I can't deny that Edward and Jasper pushed the hardest because I just wanted to be done with him, but since Jake's infidelity wasn't exactly hard to prove thanks to a very ready-to-pop Leah, it helped sealing my case. I hear they're living with Leah's mother in La Push at the moment.
Naw, too bad.
Anyway…
I'm free, and guess what. I feel good. I'm happy.
And also, I'm itching to write again.
"Stop pouting, honey. It won't help," Jasper winked.
"Bitch," I said and flipped my hair over my shoulder.
Jasper just laughed before turning back to the TV, but that's when I saw the remote on the other side of him.
Chewing on my lip, I planned and schemed deviously…
It's just a remote for fuck's sake, Bella.
Whatever.
I pretended to do the whole yawn-stretch-and-drape-an-arm-over but instead of just draping my arm over him, I used his shoulders as leverage to pull myself over his body, so I was straddling him, and then I could reach the remote.
Only problem is… Jasper's fast.
"Nice try, baby," he laughed and held the remote over his head.
"Goddamnit!" I squealed, trying to reach it.
"You're kinda smothering me with your tits, but that's okay," he chuckled.
I looked down and started giggling like a little girl as I noticed how right he was. Trying to reach the remote, I was effectively pushing my twins in his face.
"Give me the remote and I'll stop," I laughed.
"Then I'm definitely not giving it to ya," he smirked and pretty much nuzzled my boobs.
"Oh my God, Jasper!" I squealed. "What the hell are you doing!" I laughed.
Jesus, doesn't he understand that he can't do that without turning me on!
I squirmed and tried to push away but he held me tightly around my ribcage and chuckled darkly into my chest.
Oh, God, he's actually really nuzzling my breasts.
Before I really lost it, I huffed in defeat and settle back down on his lap.
That's when I felt him.
Our heads snapped up at the same time, and our eyes locked.
He was hard.
And pressing right against my pussy.
Was… was he… turned on?
By me?
I exhaled sharply and accidently squirmed, making him groan and close his eyes. And when he opened then again, I whimpered under my breath at the sight of his unmistakably lust filled eyes.
"Bella…" he whispered, his eyes flickering to my slightly parted lips.
Christ. How do I stop this? I can't do this… But I want it. Shit, I really want this.
But I want it even more with Edward.
Much more.
And I won't betray him. Ever. Neither of them. No.
Fuck my life.
Then we heard the front door open and slam shut.
"PIZZA!"
Our bubble burst.

Bella POV.
"PIZZA!"
Our bubble burst.
The thick air thinned, and we breathed heavily as we came down from… whatever that was.
I stood up, straightened my shorts and wife beater, and Jasper… adjusted himself. Biting my lip and shaking the images out of my head, I took a deep breath before I walked out to the kitchen where Edward was taking out beers from the fridge.
"Hey, gorgeous," he winked.
Yes, really. Fuck my life.
"Hey, handsome," I chuckled, a bit uncomfortably.
What that man does to my lady bits…
"Hungry, Ms. Swan?" He grinned and came over to hug me. He did that a lot.
"That sounds so good," I murmured into his chest.
No more Isabella Black.
Good riddance.
Jesus, he smells so gooood…
"What about me, huh?" chuckled a certain Jasper.
Edward waved him over and I buried my face as deep as I could, trying to stop the images from popping up.
But they came.
Of the three of us…
I heard them kiss chastely above me, and I wanted to cry. But I didn't.
"You're just so cute it's making me sick," I grumbled instead.
The two men chuckled at me.
"You jealous, baby?" Edward teased.
You have no idea.
"Who wouldn't want what you have?" I huffed and let him go, making my way over to the pizza.
"You'll find it, honey," Jasper assured.
I already have.
"I need to get laid," I snorted. "Haven't been fucked in years," I added in a mutter.
Then I think I left two gaping men as I took two slices of pizza and a beer to the den.
Truth is, I've never been properly fucked. Always the same sweet lovemaking.
Why do you think I've written books of hard core porn? Because I'm sexually satisfied?
Don't think so.

*o*o*o*

Jasper… and also Edward, but mostly Jasper, have been whining to me about my writing for a while now, and yesterday they took advantage of me because I was drunk. So, I drunkenly promised I would give them my pen name today.
They know about what I used to write, but what I know that theydon't know, is that they're very familiar with my books. Again, mostly Jasper, but also Edward. But yeah, I've seen my books in Jasper's office.
All of them.
So, I'm going to tell them, but first I have a session at Edward's office. Today he's apparently going to try to provoke another feeling, but he said that the office would be a less confusing place to do it. I have no idea what he's talking about.

*o*o*o*

"Dr. Cullen," I purred after the receptionist had buzzed me in.
"Ms. Swan," he replied curtly.
I raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with my first name? And what's with the mood?"
"We're going to provoke lust today, and I really need to keep this professional. Have a seat."
"You're gonna make me horny?" I blurted out.
You're already doing that, Edward, especially with those glasses.
"Have a seat, Ms. Swan," he repeated, not looking me in the eye.
Well, fuck.
I sat down with an annoyed huff and just closed my eyes right away. Edward wasn't fun when he was all prissy, and now I just wanted to get this over with.
"You know, I have no fucking problems getting horny, Edward. I feel lust all the time," I snapped.
"You do?" he asked, seeming genuinely surprised.
"Lust is one of the most primal emotions, of course I feel it. It was one of the first feelings I recognized even before you brought me back to life."
"And here I thought I was the one with a medical degree," he muttered. "How do you know about which emotions are-"
I cut him off, "Research for my writing."
He sighed.
We both took deep breaths. Most likely to calm our prissy asses down.
.
.
"I would like to go back to something you said during our first session, Bella. You mentioned that you lived through your stories? Could you elaborate that?"
Soft voice again. Much better.
Another deep breath. I was ready.
"Jacob couldn't give me what I wanted. That's how I started writing. I wrote what I wanted to have for myself."
Edward flipped pages and pages until he read out loud, "Earth shattering, intensity, passion, mindblowing… That's what you wanted?"
"Yes, and Jake couldn't deliver, so I wrote it. I researched, I met people who are into the things I'm into, and I became a fucking master of pleasuring myself."
Throat clearing and scribbling.
"Could you describe your love life with Jacob? Was it always the same? And where did your writing fit into this?"
"Jacob and I were each others first," I sighed, "and it was clichéd. Prom night. After that, we started having sex a few times a week until we moved away for college. It was usually the same. Missionary. In and out. No real passion, and without foreplay. It didn't exactly help that he wasn't very… equipped. Anyway, in college I met this girl, and we took a literature class together. Alice Brandon. She and her boyfriend, Alec, they were really passionate. They were always so affectionate, and at parties they could get so hot and bothered that they forgot about others. They would just keep going until someone stopped them, and then they would find an empty room to continue.
"That's when I first realized that I didn't just want more, but I needed it. I recognized myself in what they were doing. So, I started reading about some stuff online that I wanted to try, and I would also talk to Alice. I would bring it up with Jake, or sometimes surprise him, but he never responded well."
Scribbling.
Throat clearing. "So, this was in college. Did you try to bring it up again? You were together for six years after all."
"Well, yeah, I brought it up. The first time it wasn't really anything special. Just some sexy lingerie, a vibrator, the suggestion of trying more positions. That was Alice's advice – to start off slow – and I agreed. And the next time I brought it up, there was more.
"I think it was the third year in college, and Alice was once again the inspiration. She wasn't with Alec anymore. She was with Tanya. And I found it very erotic. That was my trigger to bring it up with Jake again. I thought that maybe what I suggested wasn't enough… maybe he wanted more. So, I suggested more toys, and also a threesome."
Edward coughed.
Maybe he's coming down with something, I shrugged to myself.
Jasper was also coughing and talking hoarsely this morning when I came out of the shower.
I hate being sick.
Anyway.
I rubbed my closed, tired eyes, and continued, "But once again Jake said no. He had what he wanted. He wanted the slow shit that had me drier than the Sahara.
"Alice was the first one to suggest divorce, and to be honest, I don't know why I didn't follow her advice."
I sighed. There was so much I wanted. Needed.
Knowing that you're a sexual person and not having someone to share it with is a fucking pain. And not the good kind of pain.
"Did you approach him again after that?" Edward rasped.
I made a mental note to drive to the pharmacy on the way home.
"Not for a while," I answered. "After that second time, I found writing. That satisfied me for a while. And when I wrote my second book, I based it on Alice and Tanya. They let me watch for research, and that's when I realized why my first book was a failure. Before watching them, I had no idea what real passion was. So, I got a new book deal, and I put more hours down on researching. Alice and Tanya were very supportive, and they helped me immensely." I chuckled at a memory that flashed through me. "They even asked me once to join them… and God, I really wanted to. They were so beautiful together. It was sweet love even if it was rough and fast. The love shone through their eyes, and they poured everything they felt for each other in every kiss."
I sighed, "But I said no. It would've been cheating. There was no way I could mask it as research, and that was a line I wouldn't cross.
"The last time I approached Jake was when I was writing my fourth book. It was about a man and a woman this time, and my hopes were to involve Jake a little. There was one thing in particular that I really wanted to try – and because I was writing the book from the female character's point of view, I wanted to be thorough, and explain the feelings in detail. But when I brought anal sex up with Jake, he was repulsed."
Edward started coughing a shitload, and I thought about opening my eyes, maybe tell him to go home. But I waited instead. He's a grown man, and if he wants to cut the session short, he just has to say the word.
After a minute, he apologized and told me to proceed.
So, I did. "Yeah, so he didn't want that. But I didn't want my book to suffer, so I did extensive research on the subject instead. I interviewed Alice, Tanya, and a few of their friends – both male and female – I read books, and Tanya also hooked me up with a bunch of toys I didn't even know existed.
"Since she and Alice had agreed on not seeing men together – but still wanted to feel something more than fingers – they had a fucking room full of toys." I grinned at the memory of them showing me. "So, in order to get as close as I could without cheating, I used the toys Tanya gave me… on myself. It wasn't easy but still very pleasurable, and I really wish Jake would've been there… but he wasn't. I gave up after that.
"I lived through my stories, and I pleasured myself with toys… and the images from watching others. I fantasized of that raw passion – of someone loving me so much that we trusted each other fully. Trusting each other enough that when I told him to use me as a fucktoy and throw me around like a ragdoll, I knew that he would do it because he trusted me to tell him what I wanted.
"And sometimes I do want emotional sex, but it doesn't have to be slow or simple to get emotional. I saw that when I watched Alice and Tanya. They could use each others bodies for animalistic pleasure, but the love was still there in their eyes. The trust was there all along, otherwise they never would've done it."
Silence.
Just breathing.
I waited for several minutes.
Throat clearing.
"You lost contact with your friends after you moved back home?" Edward asked quietly.
"Everyone but Tanya and Alice. They're still together, and Tanya's my editor, but then last year when I dropped everything, I stopped answering their calls. And since my contract was up, I decided not to renew it. Tanya was pissed, but I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I'm thinking about calling her, though. I'm itching for writing again."
Scribbling, scribbling.
"That's great, Bella. I think that would be really wonderful for you."
"Yeah, I hope so. I was thinking about calling Demitri and Garrett again, too. They were really great last time, and if they're still together, I doubt there will be problem."
I actually decided right then and there to call both Demitri and Tanya. This session was really working for me, and I could see myself sitting by the laptop again. I could see myself doing research. I could see myself buying new toys and outfits to try on.
All of the sudden I found myself really excited to get started.
"Who are Garrett and Demitri? Friends from New York?"
"No, I met them on the Érotique Convention in Seattle a few months after we came back home from college. I was looking into the male gay scene, and they volunteered to be my go-to-guys. So, when I wrote one of my last books, I spent a few weekends with them."
Okay, I'm getting worried about Edward now.
"Are you okay, Edward? Should we cut this short?" I asked, concerned.
"I'm fine, Bella. Just coming down with something, I think," he whispered and cleared his throat.
"I think Jasper's getting something, too. He was a bit flushed and speaking hoarsely after I got out of the shower this morning… I hope it's nothing serious… I can make some chicken soup for dinner," I offered softly.
Edward POV.
She's clueless.
So fucking clueless that it's almost funny.
I did end up cutting the session short, because I couldn't take it any longer.
I was hard. Rock hard. And so goddamn close to just jumping her.
She had no fucking idea what she was doing to me. She had no clue about how sexy and sensual she is. When she speaks, it's like… Jesus, let's just say that I can see that she's an author. The way she described her friends, Alice and Tanya… I can't say I've ever been turned on by girl-on-girl, and I'm still not, but to hear Bella speak about it. To hear her talk so passionately about something so erotic…
Fuck.
There are no words to describe today's session. She was literally dropping bomb after bomb after bomb. It was everything she said. Toys? Sexy lingerie? Being used roughly? Voyeurism? Anal sex? Gay and bisexual? She's into all that?
Could she be any more perfect?
Doubt it.
Have to say I'm curious about this sickness Jazz apparently had this morning, though.
I know how I would have reacted had I seen Bella coming out of the shower. But is Jasper feeling that, too?
One can only hope.

*o*o*o*

I had never been this eager to get home before, but I only had one thing on my mind now. And that is to talk to Jazz.
I need to know if he feels what I feel.
Not that anything will happen, but it will be a relief if Jasper and I are on the same page.
I had to laugh when I came home. The first thing that hit me was the smell of chicken broth. Jesus, I just couldn't keep the lust out of my voice, and I don't know how many times I had to cover a groan or two with coughs. Hence the chicken soup Jazz and I will be served tonight.
"Hey, baby." I smiled.
"Hey, hot stuff," Bella chuckled. "Feeling better?"
I stifled a laugh. "Uh… yeah, a little. Have you seen Jazz?"
"I sent him to bed, 'cause he was flushed and breathing heavily when I came home and found him in the den."
Um… okay?
"Okay," I nodded, dropping a kiss on her cheek – trying very hard not to linger – and headed for the stairs.
I opened the door to our bedroom and chuckled when I saw my Jazz looking very bored by the window.
"Bella said you were sick?" I smirked.
Seeing him now, I knew everything. He was as sick as I was.
And Bella had probably just caught him watching porn or something in the den earlier.
"Oh, hey. I didn't hear you come in," he grinned.
I walked over to the window to him, standing behind him and kissed his neck. "How sick are you? Will kissing you land me at the ER?"
"Bella's overreacting," he chuckled, turning around in my arms.
Threading my fingers through his hair, I pulled him in for a kiss, and this was what I knew so well; the comfort, the feeling of being home.
I sighed, breaking the kiss before it got too heated.
Time to talk.
"We need to talk," I murmured, kissing him once more before backing away.
"Yeah, we do," he nodded with a furrowed brow.
Okay?
We sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning forward on my knees. "Can I go first?"
"Of course," he replied.
I took a deep breath and blew it out of my cheeks, and then I just blurted it out.
"I'm in love with both of you, and I can't ignore the fact that I want you both."
I was never one to beat around the bush anyway.
"You're in love with her?" he asked quietly.
I nodded, hoping like hell that I haven't messed shit up. But I can't deny what I feel. I spent years doing that before I met Jazz and I won't do it again. No matter what.
"Damn," he muttered, chuckling a little. "And I thought I had it bad."