Sign 8

EPOV
Uhmmm…
Bella is one weird woman. Seriously, I don't understand her. At all.
Oh, but she wasn't done being weird.
When my mother brought Emma back, the three of them chatted like they've known each other forever, and Bella was cheery as hell.
Didn't exactly help that Mom adores her, stating that she is the fresh air I need. And when I had told her about Bella's age, she merely shrugged her shoulders, and told me that Bella was different.
Any-fucking-way, once we had gotten my princess to sleep, Bella was weirder than before.
No, I didn't think it was possible either.
But now she was all sugar, asking me if there was anything she could do for me, anything I wanted from the store, anything I needed from… anywhere. And I didn't understand shit. So, I just headed for the living room to watch some TV.
Bella followed.
She was fidgety.
Opening and closing her mouth as if to speak. But she didn't.
"What's on your mind?" I asked as casually as possible while I flipped channels mindlessly.
It took a while, but eventually she spoke. Or mumbled.
"So, um… you play the piano?"
I laughed. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.
"Yes… As you already know, I play the piano, Bella."
"Right," she mumbled, nodding slightly. Blushing. "Yeah, um, we have this… assignment… in school."
"Okay?" I replied.
"Um, we're supposed to pick a song… and choreograph it… and then show it to our teacher."
"Alright." I nodded, having been through this before.
They often merged the dancers together with the musicians when I went to school, and there were often recitals and assignments where we could use what others had. For instance when I had some project and I needed a dancer for it, I could always find someone if I spoke to one of the many dance teachers. And the dancers were the same. If they needed a musician, they knew where to turn, and I figured Bella needed advice on something.
Nothing uncommon, but I don't understand why it's got her so nervous.
"What did you choose?" I asked curiously.
I tried to use my experience and guess what Bella could've chosen, but I drew a blank. It could be anything. But one thing is sure; she wouldn't pick a piece that's clichéd.
Like Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake scene.
That is one scene that many decide on.
And I had to say I was curious as to which type of classical music she liked. I knew she liked it, but we had never broached the surface of which composers we liked and such. Was she into strings, brass, piano? Did she like the calm or the stormy? The playful or the heavy? Minor or major?
"Well, um," she mumbled, biting down on her pouty lip. "Most in my class chose epic pieces, and I was sorta hoping you'd help me? To choose, I mean. I have a few in mind… but I'd like a second opinion."
Huh.
Didn't see that coming.
Wait, is this why she's been all sugar for the past couple of hours?
'Cause Rose is like that when she needs something. She turns into the sweetest creature alive when she wants something.
I decided not to ask, because to be honest; I was thrilled that Bella wanted my help with this.
"I'd be happy to," I replied. "What kind of pieces has the others decided on? You mentioned epic…"
God, she's beautiful, I thought as she smiled in relief. Like she was nervous that I'd say no. Please, this is what I live for – apart from Emma. Music is as important as air.
Like I'd say no. Preposterous.
"The Swan Lake scene, obviously," she chuckled, and I grinned knowingly. "And um… as few has chosen Brahms' Hungarian dance."
"Which one?" I asked automatically.
"Huh?"
"Of the Hungarian dance," I clarified.
But she still looked confused.
Oh.
Yeah, sometimes I take shit for granted.
"There's more than one," I explained. "Twenty-one of them, I think."
"Oh," she replied, looking slightly embarrassed, which I didn't understand. "I didn't know… but um, I heard a couple of them talking about a five or something?"
She was fucking adorable when she was shy, but I honestly didn't understand why she was so shy.
Focusing on her answer, I once again nodded, and couldn't help but feel that it was slightly predictable. No 5 in G Minor was definitely Brahms' most popular one, but it was a shame that only a few people dug a bit deeper than that.
"The No 5 is beautiful," I said thoughtfully. "But also very common. My personal favorite is No 4, though I'm more into piano…"
"Are you cold?" I asked then, noticing how she shivered.
"Um, a little but it's fine," she said dismissively. "But back to Brahms, and what you called common. That's sort of it; I don't want anything that has been done a million times before."
That is why Bella's special. She's one of those few who really stick out.
Sighing, I racked my brain for… something else.
But I needed more to go on for that.
"What are you looking for?" I asked, facing her fully on the couch. "Something light, simple… or…?" I trailed off.
I couldn't help but picture her on a stage, and what came to me instantly was lightness. Nothing too heavy and nothing using a big ensemble. No, I saw a piano… maybe a few strings. Light but not too playful. Nothing that changed pace too often.
"I'd like to use a piano," she said softly.
I nodded thoughtfully, thinking of fitting composers.
"Nothing too powerful," she added.
I wanted to tell her that light and slow could be very powerful. Especially when it comes to Bella who is naturally beautiful. No, grand and extravagant wasn't her. But I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her how I pictured her.
That would give me away.
I understood she meant that she didn't want anything too hugely orchestral, though. Nothing pompous. And I couldn't have agreed more.
"If you're looking for something playful," I sighed… "Hmm, well, Schubert's Scherzo in B Flat Major is a good choice. Popular, but not overly so."
"I haven't heard that one," she replied quietly. "Could you play it?" she asked, pointing at the piano behind her.
"Sure." I nodded. "But let's go to my music-room. That piano there needs tuning."
I was suddenly excited as hell to share this with Bella, and I knew she had never seen this part of me before. In fact, I hadn't seen this part of her either. It was odd since music and dance was what defined big parts of us, but still, I had no idea whatsoever what she liked most, and she didn't know that about me either.
"Ladies first." I grinned as I opened the door to my room.
Do not smell her as she passes, do not smell her.
I smelled her.
Fuck.
"Wow, this is… God, you have so many instruments, Edward," she murmured, standing in the middle of the room as she looked around.
"A few," I chuckled, closing the door behind me.
Okay, I have more than a few, but it is my profession after all.
I love it. All of it. Not just the black grand in the corner that I use daily, but also the rest. The left wall where I have my guitars lined up, the right wall where I have a keyboard, a bass, a mandolin, and my sax. The corner closest to the door where I have my drum set…
Yes, I loved it all and couldn't live without my music.
Once I was seated at my piano, I reached for the baby monitor that I always kept under the bench, and turned it on.
"The room is soundproof," I explained when Bella eyed me in question.
It wasn't noticeable unless you touched the white walls, but if you did, you'd feel that they're padded.
"Okay, so, Schubert?" I inquired and gestured for her to sit down next to me.
Big mistake. Big mistake, I thought as she was seated.
Jesus, her scent, her warmth… fuck, it radiated, rolled off of her in waves.
"Sounds great, and thank you for helping me."
"No problem," I murmured.
It was only a half lie. Nothing a cold shower wouldn't fix.
Closing my eyes, I let my fingers ghost over the keys.
And then I began.
Effortlessly. This was what I knew. Came so easily. And the tension mirrored the music. Wasn't what I wanted, but it was easy to handle. Light and playful. Easy.
"Makes you kinda happy to hear, doesn't it?" she asked quietly as I was half way through.
I smiled, keeping my eyes closed, and kept playing as I replied. "It does. But that's the point with Scherzo. The word itself means 'joke' in Italian."
"Oh… So, he named his piece 'Joke?'" she asked, chuckling slightly.
"No, uhm, the piece is called Scherzo. It's a musical term for playfulness, I suppose you could say. And many composers have pieces or parts of their bigger compositions such as symphonies or sonatas that are referred to as Scherzo for its playfulness.
"This is also apart of a symphony, but it was never finished," I added.
She was quiet then, until I had played the final note.
"You sure know your music," she said quietly, keeping her eyes downcast.
"I try," I laughed softly. "So, what'd you think? Too playful?"
I think so.
"Um, maybe something a little calmer?"
Perfect.
Still didn't like that she sounded so hesitant. It was the first time I viewed her as someone much younger than me, and though she's still very much a woman, she seems… more uncertain.
And I had to ask.
"You okay, Bella? You seem uncomfortable."
Am I making her feel that way? Shit, that's not what I want… at all.
I want the opposite.
"No!" she assured, finally meeting my eyes. "It's just…" She chuckled nervously as she eyed the room. "It's sorta intimidating. You're just so… amazing at all of this, and I barely know a thing."
I frowned deeply, really not liking her words. Made her sound so inferior, and she was anything but. And come on, writing, knowing, music… that's what I do for a living. It's what I've studied for years. It's a hobby that I started when I was six years old.
I didn't really know what to tell her, though.
But…
I sighed.
"Music's always been what I know best," I murmured, letting my fingers play absentmindedly. "It's what I know at heart, because of years of studying it… and to me it's a way of explaining or… showing… what I feel. Just like I'm sure dancing and sketching are ways for you to express yourself."
"True," she conceded. "I hope I'll be as good at dancing or sketching as you are with music… You're kinda overwhelming to watch."
I swallowed hard, for once thankful that she was looking down.
This was beyond lust. What I felt ran much deeper… and I began to wonder just how long I had felt… more. More than just physical attraction. But that was clear now. Very clear. I had real feelings for her. Lasting ones.
Deep ones.
Jesus, I'm screwed.
"If you're not already there, then I have no doubt you will be, Bella."
I noticed then that I had began to play one of my favorite pieces – Chopin's Nocturne #20 in C Sharp Minor – a piece that always calmed me, a piece that I often played when I'd had a good day with Emma, or something… special… had happened. Something. Strong. Something that made my insides soar… which didn't happen often when Emma wasn't involved. Almost never, in fact. But now… I felt it, and I shivered as I noticed that we both watched my hands, my fingers, how they danced over the keys… how they told what I felt.
I doubted she knew. I doubted she could truly understand what this was for me. How significant and… fitting.
But she did feel something.
It was there.
I swallowed hard, once again, and I felt it… right there… in the space between us.
The piece may say different things to different people, but to me, this was always one I loved because of the softness, the tenderness, the playfulness… the perfection of the shifting in bar 21 where the theme changes, and it becomes even more beautiful, softer, and loving…
Love.
For Emma.
And…
"So beautiful," I heard Bella breathe.
Yes, you are.
It crackled.
Made me breathe quicker. Shallow.
My entire being felt her.
Drawing a ragged breath, I reached bar 47 where the original theme came in again… and soon… too soon… it was over. The music. Not the tension. The tension was very present. But my fingers had stilled.
Palpable. I… needed something. But scared shitless to admit it. Couldn't. Wasn't fair. For so many reasons. It had become harder to find arguments, though. For how long would I be able to fight it? Fight her.
And then… I heard Emma's cry.
In the corner of my eye, I saw Bella's chest heave. Much like mine. Rapidly.
"I should…"
She nodded.
"Yeah… Go check on her," she whispered.
With a heavy sigh, I stood up… and left the room. Left the moment.
I wondered how much of that that Bella had felt. And how she interpreted it.
Emma was of course sleeping again when I walked over and crouched by her bed.
I watched her. Thinking if… she ever missed anything.
I knew I was enough. I knew I was a good father, and though I messed up… I mean, I'm only human. People make mistakes. But I'd like to think that I'm a good dad to my Emma.
Is that enough, though?
Were my decisions always good for her?
Will she one day hate me for not putting her through every exam known to man? Will she resent me for not trying anymore?
"Fuck," I whispered to myself.
Sitting down on the floor, I rested my arms on her bed, and lowered my forehead to my arms. Just so many things going on. But for the past four years I've been happy and content with having just Emma and my family. I've been fine on my own. Haven't needed anyone. For me. I haven't needed anyone for myself.
But now…
"Yeah, fuck," I repeated quietly.
Things aren't easy anymore. There's something I want.
Someone I want.
Badly.
But the decision affects her. Her. Emma. My first priority.
What if something went wrong?
If I… pursued… her… and something went wrong, which it always does, Emma will suffer.
I know Bella is interested in me to some extent, but remembering back to when I was twenty, I sure as hell wasn't interested in playing house. I wanted casual and fun. I wanted things carefree and light. But I can't have that with Bella today. I can't offer her casual, because when it ends, my princess will be devastated. And I can't do that to her. Ever.
Besides, casual wouldn't be enough for me anymore. Not since I realized… Fuck, no, it won't happen.