Sign 16

EPOV
"You wanted to talk?" Rose said, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
"Yeah," I replied, nodding once as I sat down next to her. "Um, have you talked to Bella much lately?"
"We talk whenever we see each other at Em's gym, and sometimes we call. Why?" she asked confusingly.
I was beyond tired and yeah, just whatever, so I decided to just show Rose the letter from this morning. Of course I knew that Rose would now probably put the pieces together and find out about my relationship with Bella, but I just didn't care any longer. I couldn't find it in me to care.
So, I pulled the note out from my pocket and handed it to Rose.
She was quiet for a while, her face was blank, which I thought was weird.
Then, all she did was quirk an eyebrow at me.
"What?" I asked.
"How long have you been sleeping with her?"
So she figured it out.
I sighed.
"Since a few days after Halloween." I grimaced.
Had it really only been a little more than a month?
Felt like a lifetime of angst to me.
Rose nodded. Not surprised, which surprised me.
"I heard you talk to her on the phone, Edward," she sighed. "At Thanksgiving."
That I understood immediately.
I remember thinking that someone had been in the doorway.
"God, Edward, you're so in love with her."
It was a statement and I- well, like I said, I was done denying.
Instead, I nodded.
And now, for the reason I called Rose over. "I realize this will sound so fucking ridiculous but-"
Rose cut me off with a smirk. "You want to know if she's confided in me… about you."
I grimaced again, but managed to nod because it was the truth. That's why I called her. I need something to hold on to, even if it's gossip or what-the-fuck-ever. Something that might calm my ass down before facing Bella tonight.
"If she talked to me, Edward, don't you think I would've told you by now? I mean, seriously, I've known about your feelings towards her for a long time now, and yes, I may have talked to Emma a bit, you know, to find out about how you two are, living together. And I wouldn't have done that if I had Bella's words to go on."
My sister wasn't done. "I mean, I've suspected that Bella feels something for you, especially after Volturi Rock, but whenever I've tried to broach the subject, she's dodged it. I think Alice is the one she's talking to about this."
I don't know how many times I sighed. Just sorta sat there and did nothing. Expect sighing and pulling my hair. I tend to do that. A lot. Pinching the bridge of my nose, too.
That Bella has feelings for me is quite obvious, but what I need to know is if she's leaving. Christ, I'm so desperate that I've even contemplated calling Alice, but… just, no. I'll just have to wait until tonight.
"I'm curious, though," Rose said then. "How did this happen? I mean, how did you decide it would be casual and not a relationship? I assume it was you, 'cause I doubt Bella would ever broach the topic of starting a friends-with-benefits relationship."
I blinked.
Frowned in confusion.
And then I was met with my sister's glare, and she fucking seethed at me. "Fucking shit, Edward, did you two even talk? Or did you just assume!"
Uh…
"Edward, what if she had feelings for you from the beginning and you just assumed it would be casual! Christ, you're a fucking idiot. What if you hurt her!"
I pulled at my hair. Looked down.
Did Bella and I ever talk?
No.
We just sorta fell into a routine. Right?
Fuck, what a mess.
But could I have done that? Hurt her? Oh, God…
"I need to know, Edward. How did all this start? I mean, did the tension or whatever just become too much? Or were you guys drunk? Did you hit on her, did she hit on you?"
I groaned. I shouldn't have called my sister. I should've called Jasper.
"So then what?" she continued. "After you hooked up, or the morning after or how it now happened, you just left? Or did she leave? Enlighten me!"
"Fuck!" I snapped. "We never talked, okay? And…" I sighed. Again. Pulled at my hair. Again. "The morning after, she wasn't in bed, but she left a note about me 'approaching' her later that night."
Take me out of this mess!
But Rose was relentless and didn't miss a beat. "Did you ever make her believe anything? Or did she have to figure it out on her own that it was one way and not the other…"
If I close my eyes, will she disappear?
I just… Goddamnit, I don't know anything. I don't know if- wait.
"You better let me fuck you again, baby," I grunted. "Not… just tonight…"
That's what I remember telling her. That first night when we had sex. That's what I told her.
If she wanted more from me then, then that's how I told her that what we had was casual. That was how she found out, if she wanted more. In the middle of sex. That's how she found out. Because what I said, that's not what you say if you're starting a relationship. What I said is something you say if it's casual, and I said that… because that's what she wanted, right? She never wanted anything else, did she?
No.
She's twenty years old. She-… no. She wanted casual, and now she's ending it because she probably knows about my feelings for her.
Right?
Yeah…
"You better fucking talk to her, Edward. I'm going home, and Em will stop by after work to pick up Emma. Call me tomorrow, and be lucky if she didn't dump your sorry ass."
Right. Love you, too, sis.

*O*O*O*

My hands are faucets.
I'm freaking out.
But I'm here. At Juilliard, and too many fuckers have approached me just because I'm somewhat known in this business, and what I want is for them to disappear, because I'm here to see Bella. Here to see her before 'we talk.' Here to pretend for one last night that she's mine.
There have been dance performances, in many categories, and there's been acting, singing, and playing, but now – after this intermission – it's time for Bella's solo performance, and I have no idea what she decided on. I mean, I remember all those weeks ago, in my music room; I know it was for this recital, for this event, and she made it. But whenever I asked her what piece she decided on, she simply shook her head.
Once I was back in my seat, I pulled out my phone and sent Bella a quick text.
Good luck, beautiful. Not that you need it ;) – Edward.
I really didn't expect a reply since she was on in five minutes, but I was proven wrong when my phone vibrated.
I'm so fucking nervous! I'll see you after? – Bella.
I chuckled and replied.
Of course, baby. I'm in the back, so I'll slip out right after. I'll wait for you by the exit. – Edward.
Okay. I'm up :S – Bella.
Yes, you are, I thought, pocketing my cell as one of my old professors took the stage.
"Welcome back," he said into the microphone. "Next we have Bella Swan, a ballet major on her third year, and she will be accompanied by Claire Ateara on the piano, and Rachel Black on vocals. The stage is yours, ladies."
I couldn't hide the grin when I saw three petite women take the stage, and my chest, Christ, there was some massive fluttering going on all over, and it was all Bella.
Wearing a simple black outfit that clung to her like second skin, she took her spot under a lone spotlight, and it was exactly how I envisioned her, even back when I knew so little about her. Just a piano, just… simplicity and her.
My professional side obviously noticed the perfection in her posture, and she truly had an amazing body, graceful, beautiful, and supple, perfect for what she was about to do.
I was also curious now, especially since there was a singer next to the pianist.
She must have chosen something entirely different, and I couldn't wait to find out.
Before I could bounce in my seat like a goddamn kid, the song began, slowly and beautiful, just the piano at first, and it was modern. Kinda recognized it but I couldn't be sure. Then, both Bella and the vocalist followed.

I still hear your voice, when you sleep next to me

I still feel your touch in my dream

Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why

Without you, it's hard to survive

I let out a shaky breath, leaned back in my seat, and stared at her. At Bella. And I listened to the lyrics, because they…huh. Did they mean something?

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling

And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last

Need you by my side

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky

Can't you hear my heart beat so

I can't let you go

Want you in my life

I couldn't breathe.
Bella, she moved slowly to the music, and she was a vision. Flawless and so goddamn beautiful. Indescribable. And then the lyrics. They nagged at me. Was this what she meant? She told me to remember that she, too, expressed herself… but she said 'dancing,' that she expressed herself with dance. But this… fuck.

Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky

They wipe away tears that I cry

The good and the bad times, we've been through them all

You make me rise when I fall

Breathe, Cullen, for fuck's sake, breathe.
I gulped.
Is… shit, are the lyrics for me?
Did she choose this for a reason?

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling

And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last

Need you by my side

'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static

And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky

Can't you hear my heart beat so

I can't let you go

Want you in my life

As I paid attention to Bella, as I focused hard, it was suddenly very clear that her movements mirrored the words.
Truth be told, it was emotional to watch her, and if… if this was her way of… I don't know… perhaps telling me that she wants more, that she wants…
Could that be it?
Could she want us?

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling

And everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly

Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last

Need you by my side

As slowly and softly as the song had begun, it ended. The performance- can I call it that? Was it a performance?
Or a confession.
I wish it's the latter.
I really fucking wish it's the latter.
The audience erupted in cheers and applauds, and God knows I wanted to do the same, but I couldn't. I was too frozen at the moment.

*O*O*O*

If I thought I was freaking out before, I was wrong. Because as I waited for Bella to come out, I was pacing like a madman outside the auditorium. You know, pulling at my hair, too. And then when she did appear, wearing a long cardigan, and still her black leggings from the show, she said nothing… almost. Her face was completely blank as she told me that we were going home, and then, it got even worse, because we walked in silence. A deafening one.
I tried to tell her how amazing her performance was but the words got stuck in my throat, which pissed me off, because she truly was amazing. She is a terrific ballet dancer, and she deserves to hear it, but I couldn't get the fucking words out.
The walk between our- my place, and Juilliard isn't a long one, but it felt like a lifetime when no words were exchanged. The tension was… palpable, and truth be told; I was vulnerable.
I was afraid I had fucked this up so royally that it couldn't be fixed.
Had I hurt her?
I can only imagine, that if I wanted her – which I do – and I find out, as we're having sex, that all she wants is casual… Christ, I would've been heartbroken.
And hurting Bella… that kills me.
"Evening, Ms. Swan, Mr. Cullen," Marcus greeted us, holding the door open for us.
I nodded in return, and then did the same as Eleazar greeted us from the front desk.
The elevator ride was long.
And quiet.
Wriggling the keys as I unlocked the apartment set my body on fire, but this time it wasn't sexual. Now it was full on clammy-mode. My hands, my chest, my eyebrows, my armpits, my entire goddamn body was clammy as I motioned for Bella to enter first. My breathing sped up, too, and it hurt. My chest constricted.
Why couldn't I read her face?
Bella walked to the kitchen once we had removed jackets and shoes, and I followed dumbly.
Then, as we reached the kitchen…
"Sit down."
Yes, ma'am.
She grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge as I took my seat at the table, and I sat there, elbows on the table, my hands clasped in front of me, just waiting for…
"I can't do this anymore."
That.
Yep, that was what I waited for.
She sat down across from me, pushed my bottle towards me, and I left it untouched.
She can't do this anymore.
Exhaling deeply, feeling all air leave me, I scrubbed my hands over my face. I couldn't face her for this. Hurt too much.
Fuck, it hurts.
"Don't leave Emma," I pleaded quietly, shaking my head slightly. "Please."
With my hands threaded in my hair, I kept my eyes downcast, pretending to love watching the table.
"You don't really know me if you ever thought I'd do that," she said.
Her voice was confident, a bit condescending, which I understood, because she was right. She would never leave my girl, and it was practically an insult for me to bring it up.
"You're right," I replied, feeling my throat close up.
Silence.
I sat frozen, just listening as Bella picked the label off her bottle.
"I've found an apartment."
No.
Please.
My eyes prickled, so I shut them tightly.
"Look, I know you have feelings for me, Edward, and after my recital, I'm sure you know I feel the same if not more, but I just… I'm done with this." Fucking shit, this pain is unbelievably… painful. "A part of me wish I could keep this little game going, but I can't. I can't deal with your mood changes anymore. It hurts me."
Uh… right… what?
"Mood changes?" I asked quietly, lifting my head to face her.
Still that blank expression.
She cocked an eyebrow at me then, silently asking me if I'm serious.
I am, because I have no fucking idea what she's talking about.
"Jesus, you're serious," she muttered. "I'm obviously talking about the way you've been acting around me, Edward. One second you're the most loving man on earth, and then the next second, you shy away as if I'll bite. I mean, you can't hold onto me the way you do, and then set the alarm just to make sure you get out of bed before I do."
Ah, shit.
"Yeah, you think I didn't notice? Please, you're so fucking transparent it's ridiculous, Edward," she snapped. "I've known about your feelings from the start, so imagine my surprise when I find out that all you want from me is casual fucking!"
I flinched.
Rose was right.
I fucked up. Royally.
And Jesus, Bella knew?
But then again, stealth was never my name, now was it?
"Since I'm a glutton for punishment, I stayed, and I played along. That, and the fact that I couldn't leave Emma, but I'm done now. You can't have casual when you treat me the way you do. You can't expect me to stay neutral or whatever when you look at me the way you do, or the way you always stay close. I'm just done. I'll move into my new apartment, and then I'll be here for Emma while you're working."
FUCK!
"I just want to know one thing before I leave, Edward."
My head snapped up.
She's leaving now? Right now?
Then I cringed as I saw the hurt. Her expression wasn't blank anymore, it was hurt. Eyes welled up, trembling lip, creased forehead…
"Since you clearly have feelings for me, why did you only want casual with me? Was it my age? Am I not good enough for you? Am I not good enough for Emma-?"
WHAT?
"No! I mean, fuck!" I choked out. "Are you fucking kidding me, Bella? You're better than-… fucking hell, I can't get shit out right…" I took a deep breath, rubbed my goddamn eyes to rid the stinging. "I didn't know, Bella," I sighed, and I was being a coward because I couldn't look her in the eye. "I never knew you wanted more… Christ, I wanted- fuck…" Exhaling sharply, I finally found my balls, and then I looked right at her, ready to be honest for once, because no matter what I told her, she wouldn't leave Emma at least. "Bella, I wanted more all along. I've wanted a relationship with you from the start, but… I-I mean… you're twenty year old…" I trailed off weakly.
Tears ran down her face. "So, it's my age then. I'm too young for a relationship with you, but casual fucking is all-fucking-right?"
"Stop saying that!" I snapped, feeling my temper flare, because it was never casual to me. "Those mood changes you mentioned were never about shying away from you! That was me forcing myself to act casual for you, so that you wouldn't walk out!" I groaned in frustration, but I needed to get this out, so I continued. "Don't you get it, Bella? You're not too young for me, it was never about me! I was thinking about you, and how you're too young to want what I have. I'm already settled in my life. I have Emma, my job, this place. I'm not going anywhere. But you… I mean, when I was twenty, I barely knew what I was doing the next weekend!"
"But I'm not you, Edward!" she shot back. "Couldn't you for one goddamn second stop to consider the fact that I'm different?"
"I know you're different," I argued. "I've known that all along. Why the fuck do you think I started having feelings for you? Because you were like the rest of them?" I chuckled humorlessly. "My only reason for holding back was because I thought you'd feel suffocated and think I was too much. And then, sometimes… I mean, when I got closer or whatever… when I complimented you or… wanted you near me, you got all tense. Is it so fucking weird that I forced myself to hold back then?"
"You're such a fucking idiot, you know that, right?"
That's her reply?
Wow.
"I'm very aware," I replied dryly. "Trust me, I've heard it before."
"No, seriously, Edward. How clueless are you? I mean, can't you understand that my reason for tensing as you so eloquently put it, was because your mixed signals were making me lose my fucking mind? I 'tensed' because you were confusing the shit out of me!"
Uh… oh.
"Wait," I muttered, sorting my thoughts as I, you know, pulled at my hair. "So, you… um, really wanted more from the beginning?"
"Wow, welcome to the show, Captain Obvious," she snarked.
She's fire. Fire and more fire.
So, she wanted me?
"I wanted you, too, from the beginning," I mumbled. And fuck my life because I'm pretty sure I'm blushing.
Christ, I'm a fuck-up.
"I know, Edward," she replied, softer this time but she was still upset. "And had you only discussed this with me…" She trailed off.
And since I'm the idiot, I argue like a goddamn child. "If you knew I wanted more, then why didn't you talk to me?"
I shouldn't have said that.
Her fire was back. In full force, and I fought the urge to cover my balls.
"You are un-fucking-believable!" she… well, she shouted. "How the hell was I supposed to know that your reason for holding back was me? I'm a rational human being, Edward. Don't you fucking understand that since you didn't start a relationship with me, I assumed there was something missing in me? I mean, when I gathered that you had feelings for me, and then start a casual fling with me, I obviously thought you didn't want me too close to either you or Emma. I thought there was something wrong with me! I thought I wasn't enough!"
Oh, shit.
What have I done?
I felt sick. Nauseous.
I made her feel inadequate.
I made her think I didn't want more.
Fuck that.
"I really am an idiot," I mumbled to myself as I rested my forehead in my palms. "God, I'm sorry, Bella… So fucking sorry for hurting you…"
"So am I," she whispered.
Then I heard her chair scrape against the floor, and I snapped up as she stood up.
"Where are you going?" I asked warily.
"I'll find a hotel until my apartment is ready."
No!
She left the kitchen then, and I had one thought left in my fucked up brain: FIX IT!
"Bella, wait!" I called, standing up to go after her.
There was no way I'd let her leave without a fight. I had fucked up royally, but I needed to know if there was any chance I could fix it. Apologize. Make amends. Make her see how much I want her. How much I need her.
In the hallway, I walked over to her, took her jacket from her and let it fall to the floor before backing her up against the wall, and there, I cradled her face, leaned my forehead against hers, ready to beg.
"Please," I whispered, closing my eyes because they hurt with that stinging again. "Let me fix this, baby… Please…" Fucking say it, Cullen! "I can't lose you, Bella," I breathed, and I opened my eyes, watching her through a blurry vision. "I'll do anything… anything…" I shut my eyes tightly, cursing the traitorous tear falling. "I love you, and I'll do anything to make it up to you, to make you see that I want you, to make you see that I need you in my life. Permanently."
I heard Bella exhale shakily, but I kept my eyes closed, because I couldn't face her if this was it. If this was it… if I had fucked shit up so royally that I had lost the only person I've ever been in love with, I will curse myself forever.
I need her.
I need her to need me, too.
"Edward," she croaked. "Are you even aware of that you just told me you love me?"
"Yes," I replied, nodding once against her forehead, because I was. I knew I said it, and it may be the worst timing ever, and the least romantic setting, but if she'll give me a chance, I'll show it to her for the rest of my life. I'll show her how much I love her. "I do. I do love you, Bella, and I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for making assumptions about you when I should've talked to you."
I opened my eyes again, and found myself drowning in her teary eyes.
God, she's so close.
"Please," I repeated, determined to give her my all. "I want you here. With me, with us… we both do, Emma and I. We need you here."
"I want everything with you, beautiful. I always did," I added, because I wanted her to know, to hear the actual words.
Please.
"Goddamn you and your words, Edward." She sniffled then, and is that… is that a smile playing on her lips?
Please!
"You want everything with me?" she asked then, chewing her lip as if she was contemplating.
Maybe she was. Is. Contemplating, that is.
I nodded. "Everything. Give me a chance, and I'll show you."
She huffed adorably as she blew a strand of hair from her face, and then she rolled her eyes… then she cursed under her breath… then she shuffled away from me, only slightly, but our foreheads weren't touching anymore… then she groaned and shook her head… I think I heard a growl, too. A small one. It was cute.
"You love me?" she asked.
I nodded firmly. "More than I ever thought possible. You and Emma are my life," I told her truthfully.
We have a smile, people! It's small but so there!
"Fuck you, Cullen," she muttered then, but I ignored it 'cause she was still smiling. Only a little but my life depended on that little smile right now.
She huffed again.
"You have one week to show me how serious you are, and you better stop being stupid."
I grinned. Widely.
And Bella cursed under her breath again as she took off her shoes.
Then she headed for her room.
At least she didn't go to a hotel.
And I have one week.